Dusk: ‘Daeze

A friend urged me to share.
Thinks it’d help.

This is about a girl.

She’s had it bad for the last four years.
So 2013 was neither different nor special for her.
To start with, this was the second of 2 extra years in university she’s been forced to undergo, due to recurring cases of ill health.

In February, a man she used to love came around. He picked up her phone and demanded to know whom she had been texting and why.
Then he picked up his hand and hit her across her face. Then he punched her and hit her some more, till he tired of it. And left her cowering in tears, with bruised and bloodshot eyes.

In March, she got pregnant, following the doctor’s advise.
“You’re sick”, he’d said. It was either: have a baby now, or never.
She was lonely and miserably ill.
Writing exams, visiting the hospital was a horrible combination.
But at least she’d have her baby.

In April, she miscarried.

In May, away from school on break, she got a call. “Come back to school now,” they said. “It’s urgent.”

She travelled, thinking that she’d get her final results and do her clearance.
It was neither.
“We’re sorry,” they said, “and we know you’ve been sick. But you’ve missed so many exams you won’t be able to graduate.”
“Not graduate this year?!” She asked shocked.
“No,” they said, ” not graduate ever.”

She goes on medication for clinical depression.
She sinks deeper.

In June she’s pregnant again.
She visits the hospital and takes things easy.
In the midst of the disappointment and pain, there’s hope.

In August, she miscarries.

The depression gets worse.
She hates herself. She hates everybody.
She thinks about taking her life. She’s sure that would be easier.

There’s drama from her mother who wants her to get married to the man she’s chosen.
She’s a good mother. What with their financial situation, and her medical condition, her mother is sure it’s the right thing to do:
Get married to someone who can take care of them. Have kids while she can.
It’s hard to fight with someone you love when that person loves you and feels guilting you day after day is the right thing to do.

She has a boyfriend, named Garba.
He has been the sane part of 2013.
Silently urging her forward with his unwavering support and faith in strength she doesn’t even have.
Loving her in ways she does not even deserve.
Helping her live through each day.

This is December, and she is deep, deep, deep in depression.
Every waking thought is about suicide. Every.
Shouldn’t she just overdose on the painkillers? Or the antidepressants? Or the  hallucinogens? Wouldn’t that hurt less?

She’ll be starting next year with a hysterectomy (one that is absolutely necessary but unaffordable). She’ll start it knowing she’ll never have kids (kids being all she’s ever wanted).
She’ll start it knowing 7 years of schooling have gone to waste and no degree to show for it.
She’ll start it with low job prospects and no hope.

She believes in God. She believes He hears her.
What she wants to know is: in His goodness and almighty graciousness, why in the name of all things beautiful, does He hate her so much? Why for every one she asks, He takes two? Why He’d rather help the others and ignore her?

What she wants to know is:
Isn’t there a marker for pain, after which one is allowed to do what one can to end it?
Isn’t there a point beyond which conceding defeat and letting life win is the only sane thing to do?
Isn’t it foolish and useless to hope in the face of undeniable sorrow and repeated misfortune?

The girl is me, and that’s all there is to say about my 2013.
To think that it isn’t my worst year so far, LOL.



You had to write this. Thank you very much for sharing. We’ll be here for you in our prayers and hearts.

Goodnight and take care

30 thoughts on “Dusk: ‘Daeze

  1. I apologize about posting a second comment. My first reaction really was one of sadness, I thought, “how can someone go through so much pain..” but, after some musing, I’m glad for you. Even if it’s for just one reason.

    I’m glad that you’re alive. Glad that you saw the year’s end albeit with some shards of your heart missing(one reason still x_x).

    Please, it might also help if you look for things that might make you happy. In order to turn your thoughts from death and tinz. I swear. It works.

    I’m also glad that you have someone like Garba, who’s there to encourage you. You need as much as you can get.

    Meanwhile, don’t worry. You go soon blow. I want to believe that God sees your tears. Your testimony is soon.

    Lool. I got carried away. I apologize.

  2. 4evaphoenix says:

    Nothing can separate you from God’s love. Believe this. *hugs* It will get better. Believe this too.

  3. hm says:

    This actually brought tears to my eyes.

    Especially the last line.

    Where there is life, there is hope. And I hope and pray you will find the faith to look forward to a better tomorrow.

    Kids? You can always adopt. So many kids needing love out there, im sure you will be wonderful with them.

    Work? So you dont have a degree. So what? Professional courses? Online courses? Business?

    You’ve got a man. And you’ve got Got. What if you are just to be pampered and loved by your man? One of those women who their husband opens a store for and all you have to do is take care of the home? ?

    Focus on the positive. Let’s make the best of what’s on ground. Live every moment. Enjoy every minute. Don’t think too hard. Laugh at every opputunity you get and you will see a much healthier you. Plus this time next year, your review will be full of praises.

    I believe in you. (Even though I don’t know you)

    • Timiebix says:

      “We wallow in our misery, certain no one’ gone through what we have..”
      These were my thoughts when I read this as I was feeling this way mere 24 hours ago and was sure no one else could be feeling the amount of pain and hopelessness I felt..
      Tears streaming down my face and voice coarse from wailing, then I said to myself, “Timiebi you are alive!! ” With that I felt peace and gradually calm set in.
      Calm not because I understand all I am going through or because it’s all over, it’s the calm of knowing I’m at my wits end, everything’s beyond my control but God’s got this!!

      I was sad and my heart bled reading this. I could feel the pain as well as relate, all I can say is ” it is not foolish and useless to hope in the face of undeniable sorrow and repeated misfortune. That hope in itself is what keeps us going.
      God bless and keep you Ada.

  4. @ImpurfectHer says:

    Efe, I think you should help her. I really don’t know how, or why I had the thought, but I think you should. In anyway you can.
    God bless you Adaeze.

  5. jupius2000 says:

    I really don’t know what to say Ada. I do however know there’s a God. With that in mind I know your 2014 will be a better year than 2013.

    One thing I have learned is that sometimes, things get bad. At this times, I usually console myself with the words “it could be worse”.

    There’s a God. Never forget that.

  6. Pulchae says:

    I stretch forth my hands of fellowship to you dear. You are in my prayers. Isaiah 55:8-13

  7. mayreeh says:

    It is well Dearie…. Keep trusting God, His timing is perfect. Keep prayiing & have faith. Dont let anything take your smile away. Be around those that make you happy. Most of all, make His Word your companion, study it, let it strengthen, comfort & direct you. God Bless U Dearie…… Your latter will be greater than your past. Love U + Big Hugsssss

  8. Dekemisola says:

    Much love Ada. You’ve been through hell. All is well that ends well. My prayers are with you.

  9. bshaba says:

    There are two songs on my heart; the first is by Donnie Mcclurkin titled ‘Stand’ and the other is by Deitrick Haddon titled ‘Stand still’. ‘What do you do when you’ve done all you can and it seems like it’s never enough…..Girl, you just stand and let the Lord see you through’ It’s tough to see the loving father in the face of miscarriages and pain but he is God all the same and he’s got your back girl. When you are too weak or too angry to pray or even study, ensure to write out your feelings and rid yourself of some burden. I await your testimonies soon because there are rays of sunlight after this tunnel.

  10. Mimsy says:

    Reading this with tears steaming down my face, I realise how selfish and ungrateful I’ve been. There you are, having gone through so much I can’t even imagine. I just want to thank God first of all for your life cos I believe its gonna be filled with testimonies very soon. Just commit your life to him and trust in Him totally.

    You’d see that this indeed is your worst year, your remaining Years on Earth will be filled with so much joy, happiness and every good thing. I believe so.

    Don’t lose hope love. *hugs*

    Thanks for sharing Ada.

  11. Tobi says:

    Thank you for sharing Ada. I know it can only get better from here. Right now, there are still several positives, several things that can be a source of happiness for you. Just focus on those.

    And as someone pointed out earlier, there are still sooo many options. Some of which was stated earlier. You can take online courses, think of a business to start, learn a trade. Several graduates dont even use their degrees to earn a living these days, so it is not the only option of earning a good living. And if you really want that, you can go back to school again. It may seem impossible, but it has been done before, and you can do it.

    The most important thing I want to say is: Please do not give up. Dont lose hope. If u do, that is when all is truly lost. And you should submit all to God. Totally. Do not limit Him. Things may seem pretty bad now, but there is absolutely no situation He can not turn around. It may sound cliche, but I have seen a lot to know those words aren’t empty.

    I know 2014 will be better, and by God’s grace I am looking forward to reading a review here from you on how awesome it will be.

  12. taiyelolu says:

    Cldnt help the tears that sprung up. Still feeling tight in my throat and wondering y one person shld suffer so! My heart is with u and wish u an amazing 2014.
    Take craft classes, learn a skill, u’ll b surprised at the creativity in u.
    If u r interested in makeup, I’ll b glad to help.
    *hugs dear.

  13. Lade says:

    Tears… Silence. Thank God you are here. It gets better, it sure gets better

  14. Franque says:

    Dear Ada, I will not presume to tell you what to be thankful for. I won’t tell you that it could have been worse, or that God has a plan.
    Just know that I have read this, I thank you for it, and I beg you to allow me be quiet.

  15. There’s gotta be hope..in this life..

  16. hrh7 says:

    I’ll be praying for you. But nothing is impossible with GOD. Please believe that. Please!

  17. .... says:

    I don’t know you but I love you and I look forward to reading your testimonies next year.

  18. moyoor says:

    So I thought I had a very low year but after reading this my heart melted. My dear trials come, God does these things to His own. He tests us to see if we would still hold on to him in times of troubles. I honestly see you as a strong woman and I know this phase is over. Don’t give up, hold on to your faith. God knows you are strong enough to handle these trials, but its over now. Jobs,degrees, kids etc don’t define who we are. So what If you didn’t get a degree? Masters degree holders are still job hunting, a lot of billionaires in the world are drop outs. Hold your head up, look inward and find out what you have passion for and pursue it. I am sure the Almighty would bless it. As for kids, I know it is going to be hard but we hear of miracles everyday. Moreso, adoption is another option. And that wonderful man you have, hold on to him.By God’s grace you would have testimonies to share at the end of the year.I wish you the very best God bless you.

  19. dejidope says:

    Really sorry bout everything that has been happening to you, but there is nothing GOD cannot do, GOD can grant you children regardless of what the doctors tell you, it is GOD that made you not them, he knows your body, He made it Himself, just keep praying and having faith and everything will be ok, HE might just be testing your faith and regarding your academics, you can still get a job regardless or be a stay at home housewife/mom it doesnt matter, GOD wont ask anybody for their degree on the last day.

  20. shopsydoodle says:

    God always has a plan………we just need to believe and trust HIM. Thank you for sharing, it is well.

  21. gboukzi says:

    Ada, I don’t know you, but this was touching. I’m praying for a special miracle for you. One that will bring you out of the depths of depression and dejection, into a bubbly and joyful life.

    I’m quiet with you.

    You will overcome.

    I know this.

  22. Her says:

    There’s a stranger, right here, with as much will as she can muster, willing to you strength, and hope and peace. And it will be yours much sooner than you think. Amen.

  23. omotooke says:

    Wow!!! Pls stay alive to see the light at the end of your tunnel

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