Dusk: Mam

I’m not the only one that thinks this year was so fast right? I’m overwhelmed by how much has happened in such “short” time.

I began the year in very low spirits. I lost weight, confidence, sleep, and a bit of myself. I was still coming to terms with how last year ended and I was still searching for whom to blame. Still felt a need to end my life and trying to act like everything was okay. And after these episodes, being truly happy was a task.

2013 started with my friends and I organizing a fashion show. Very stressful and I swear the emotional meltdowns on TV are real but It was a success. The night my modeling career started and ended. It was one of the highpoints of my year.

2013. I went on IT in April. I started in an HIV lab. It was a very depressing place to work and I had nightmares for a while. You take blood samples throughout the day and you’re just being so cautious the whole time and there were some angry patients and others you have to pet because their pain was so obvious. Working there, seeing people who had to be on drugs their whole lives, others on the verge of giving up, the innocent kids *sigh*. You just have to be thankful. It was a very educating experience both school-wise and life-wise.

I presented a seminar at the end of my 3 months at the HIV lab. I had only 2 days to prepare and I really didn’t expect to perform as well as I did. Even after I left there, my presentation is still being praised. I have left my mark in the NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF PHARMACEUTICAL RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT guys! I have never been more proud of myself. I can do anything after all.

Another achievement was getting the lead role in a play I auditioned for. I couldn’t take it because it was going to take so much of my time and I didn’t want to be in a situation where my priorities were misplaced. But it’s good to know I still have a career in acting so… yay!

I lived out of home throughout this year and I learnt to live with people, adapt even if it inconvenienced me a little. Sacrifice ay. I even had my first shot at being an elder sister. I lived with an aunt who has a daughter. Never have I felt so much responsibility over another being like I have with her and she’s made me be a better person. I love her very much though she got on my nerves more often than necessary but that has taught me patience. You have to be patient with children.

Plenty firsts this year and the most exciting remains being present at an IVF procedure (I now work in a hospital). I was there from the extraction of the eggs (which yielded none sadly) to the insemination in hope they can swim to the eggs we assumed were still there. Not the most enjoyable way of baby making I must add. Yikes!

First “Love”. In summary: Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m not heartbroken, and truth is sweeter than you. I’m sorry.

Music played a major part in the beginning and end of what seemed to be a very uncertain journey for me. That’s all I can say.

My least exciting first is the sugar daddy proposal. *pukes* I went to see my sister at her office and her boss hit on me; her really old boss. I felt molested by just the way he looked at me. That was the last day I went there. I don’t know how these girls do it! I don’t know how someone older than my dad can look at me lustfully. I felt filthy and insulted and demeaned. If I had the chance I’d punch him in the face and just…. Kill him over and over again. Anyway, my sister quit. Love her.

2013, my communication problem escalated. Sometimes you just want to be alone because you’re tired of hearing “sorry”. We all know how well sorry does with fixing problems. Maybe the best thing to do is be with someone in their time of grieve and hurt and not talk at all, but you can’t “not talk at all” when your only way of being with each other is over the phone yea? Not my best decision this year, I admit. On the most part it was sort of selfish but we all have our way of dealing with things and it must not really please everyone. I think.

2013 felt like a break from my life. I have never been out of school for so long since I was born! I know there are still things to be dealt with that I ignored for the most part of the year and they’re beginning to rear there ugly heads as school is about to begin again. I have no plan on how I’ll cross that bridge when I reach it. Actually, I have no plan about anything regarding my future. Seems like I’m approaching it facing backwards and it is constant falling and bruising and just uncertainty. Still I managed to grow this year even in my courageous-cowardly acts of facing challenges and leaving my comfort zone. Not bad at all.

Most important growth for me this year is my faith. It practically didn’t exist last year and though I’m still waiting on my miracle, I have no doubt. I’m alive, aren’t I?

I learnt to lower my expectations. People will disappoint you and sometimes it isn’t their fault. There are people who would cut an arm and leg for you if they weren’t already doing that for their PRIORITIES.

There are things that remain the same; my love for books, internet, music, comedy, and friends and of course, my awesomeness.

2013 has come to an end for me with new friends, -1 Family member (RIP Amelia), stronger friendships and an awesome playlist.

I still have fears to conquer. There are scars I have to erase from my heart and mind. I still need to learn to forget after forgiving. Learn to be selfless. Learn to accept things I cannot change. Learn to allow people to love me. It is an endless impossible list, but “poco a poco”.

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Miss Tarfa is full of joy. Much love sister.

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2 thoughts on “Dusk: Mam

  1. Ww says:

    Beautiful 🙂

  2. Jk_McDazzles says:

    Seemingly such a happy person..

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