Dusk Clarione

The (incomplete) Diary of a New Mom.


I started this year angry. Why? I had my baby in December, so I was struggling to adapt and adjust to the new changes within and without. I had an episiotomy that had refused to heal properly, so I went back for another surgery. That thing hurt like hell! It was almost worse than labour itself. I came out of anaesthesia screaming and cursing. Just remembering it now sends me into shudders. Then we had to house hunt- the husband’s one room bachelor pad had become too small for our growing family. The babe wasn’t sleeping at all (it seemed) so I was sleep-starved, grouchy, and cranky and pissed off as hell. I took it out on everyone- the husband, my sweet mom, the cousin and the neighbour’s noisy dog. It was a frustrating time for me, fighting off unexplainable depression and body aches…. I was also curiously horny, but the thought of sex nauseated me. The 6weeks post-natal check-up had come and gone, and I was wondering when the husband would want to resume that thing…. I considered bludgeoning him over the head if he ever did, and the thought brought a crazed bark of laughter to my lips, which woke the babe up, damn! Maybe I’m losing my mind after all…

We finally got a place and finished moving on the 26th… the next day was my birthday. I woke up to cheery messages on my bb and Facebook wall and started replying them. It was a Sunday and the husband was getting ready for church. I just stood at a corner, smiling and replying messages on my phone. The husband had not yet said “happy birthday” to me, and I was getting angry that he had forgotten. I know he had been preoccupied with the move and all, but did he have to forget? He was even pissed at me for “pinging” instead of bathing or doing something useful. I kept silent. If he has forgotten ehn, I will show him….

He finished and left the room angrily ”…because you’re not going to church doesn’t mean you should spend your morning pinging away….I wonder if the person you’re pinging doesn’t go to church…” I heard the door shut and sounds as everybody left the house. I suddenly wanted to cry. How dare he forget! Then I heard the front door open and shut, and much slower steps walk into the house. Then the room door opened and there he was, face filled with remorse and mortification…”baby, I’m so sorry…happy birthday” He held my stiff body close, whispering his apology over and over again, with little pecks to my ears, face, all over, till I went weak at the knees. Awww, I guess I had to forgive him after all…;)  No birthday gift (house rent had seen to that) but we made up over a nice little dinner later in the evening, and all was well once again. 😀

Oh, and I officially got addicted to twitter. It was/is such a great avenue for venting, free humour and conversations without strings attached. I needed all three. Badly.

February was for a special WOFBI (Women of Faith Bible Institute?) Class, and I jumped at the opportunity to leave the house. The month ended with graduation and the babe’s dedication. We had a small party afterwards at the house, and I was finally in the mood to get my groove on. 😉

March I went back to my office, and hired a tailor to meet up with demands. Mrs N had been disturbing me for her clothes (didn’t she realise I just had a baby? rme) Tailor turned out to be a nonsense somebody and chronic liar, and I fired him after 2weeks. He ruined 2 dresses though, *sob*. Mum was getting ready to return home, the cousin H had gone to prepare for WAEC and JAMB in Nassarawa, and  I was dreading being left alone with the babe. How would I cope?

April came, and all my fears proved true. Mum had gone back to Lagos, the husband had travelled to Kano for work, and it was just me and the babe. The stress ehn! I cried in frustration most days….. The husband returned home after Easter so we could attend his brother’s wedding in Asaba. The road trip was anything but relaxing. The driver seemed to be rushing to get to December before everyone else. I just shut my eyes and prayed. We got to Asaba before 11, just on time for the after-church pictures. I saw my in-laws and was very happy. At the reception, my zip suddenly burst open and I had to leave and spent the rest of the time in the car. I’m adding some nasty weight *crying*. We got back to Abuja without any incident, the husband went back to work, and the babe resumed her torture on me.

May and June were a blur of sleepless nights, crying babe waking every 20mins or so and burnt food. The husband came and went, and I tried to cope with work. I would drive slowly, keeping an eye on the babe who was strapped to her seat in front of the car! Putting her in the back meant I couldn’t concentrate as she would wriggle and squirm and cry. Thankfully, I didn’t get caught or arrested, and God kept us both safe.  I was looking for another tailor but the ones I kept seeing either didn’t speak English, or demanded more than I could afford. So life went on. I made some new clients and money, bought more machines. Mrs N still hadn’t come for her dresses. You see how people dey behave?

I started talking to the babe, just to get some human companion and conversation. One man heard me talking to her one day and burst into uncontrollable laughter. See me na? As for the babe, she would roll her eyes at me, laugh at me or just ignore me. This geh, If I beat you ehn?

I struggled one day to go to the market and get stuff for soup. The husband was returning by weekend, and there was nothing to eat in the whole house. It was raining almost every day and I had to go into the rain with my little baby. A couple of people stopped me to ask why I didn’t leave her at home…a man even insulted me. I bought the things I needed, got them to the car, and drove home slowly. Stopping every now and then to pet and calm my crying babe. Got home by 8, and tried to cook/calm the babe till 11:30pm, when she finally fell asleep. I was exhausted and hungry. Ate 2 slices of bread, finished preparing the very big pot of Egusi soup (I wanted it to last as long as possible) around 12:40, and staggered to bed by 1. Soup was still too hot to pack into cans for freezing, and I was too tired to wait for it to cool. I will do it in the morning, I thought, as I fell asleep. Woke up by 6, and got to the kitchen to find the soup had soured. I was too tired to cry sef, I just stood looking at it making ugly bubbly sounds for 10mins then went back to bed. I can’t shout…

H returned at the end of July, and I got some relief *dancing skelewu*. Scratch that, I got a LOT of relief. She helped with shopping, housework, and the babe. August came and went with a more relaxed and smiling me. Babe started teething and stooling, but the phase passed quickly, thank God. Oh, and H made all her WAEC papers, yaaayyy!

September I went to Lagos for my Gf’s wedding, and I had FUN! :D. The babe got weaned and started walking, and we had to baby-proof the house. She still managed to break a couple of things though, chewed some keys off my phone keypad and made using the phone difficult. I went off bb for a month (the peace!) read some books, had a facial and bought make-up. Freaked out when my 2yrs old face powder finished (guess I can safely say I’m now an ex-tomboy lol. I also no longer have the urge to climb every tree and tall building and hill I see, so yup, I’m safe.

October  The mother in law (MIL) and one of my cousins came to stay, see groove! The cousin was coming for internship at my place, and the MIL came to help out with the babe and enjoy us. I got lazy (so many hands to help out) and even added some weight. I stopped calling Mrs N to come for her dresses. I will look for someone with her size of hips and dash them out if she still hasn’t come by December. Excuse ti poju. Started working out (inconsistently), went for medicals and got some not-so-good-news….but let’s leave that. I also decided to do this review and spent several days freaking out on what to write…asides from the occasional scribbles in my diary, I haven’t written in God knows how long. It should be like riding a bike, I hope…

November was the husband’s birth month…I gave him a special *clears throat*… The babe took off with my modem one day, and I still can’t find it. Started preparing for the babe’s first birthday, got really busy at work. I’m learning and un-learning things. Reviewing the year and past decisions I’ve made. How I got to where I am now and how to move on to where I want to be. Got a new student too, yaaayy! Made a friend (I think). Started going for Saturday French classes. This year can’t end without me learning something new, haba!

December- MIL had to leave earlier than planned; Sister in law (SIL) was putting to bed anytime soon. Meaning she would miss the babe’s birthday party. Then the husband got a call to go to Lagos, for an unspecified duration. Meaning he’ll probably miss his daughter’s first birthday… 😥  SIL had a baby boy before mama even got to Lagos 😀

Birthday party came and I was alone to hold the fort, with the cousins of course. It was fun but tiring. We all crashed after the party, including the babe. Did I mention that she’s been sleeping much better now? At least 10hours each night…. 😀 she’s also climbing everything in sight, including the car. I don’t need to ask where she got that from.

So there, that was my 2013. Kind of boring, when you consider what so many other people on here had to go through. Granted I didn’t get to do most of the things I had planned for the year- like attend some short courses abroad, launch a fashion collection, participate in a fashion show and probably start my masters. But hey, I’m not complaining. I have much to be thankful for, and I should focus on that instead of whining as I did through much of the early part of this year. LOL. I’ve learnt that life is in phases. No matter how bad it may seem, stick it out, and it will soon pass. Also, enjoy the good moments, make them last forever. And be thankful, every day is a gift that should be enjoyed moment by moment. So, here’s to a “boring” 2014- filled with normal things, everyday life, and learning. Cheers.

p/s Who knows any woman with 54 inch hips that needs some new clothes? Mrs N still hasn’t come for her clothes.


Had no idea you were this crazy LOL. I fear the babe is taking after you a lot. I love that you’re a practical tomboy with a soft heart and that you slowed down the 2013 reel to focus on personal specific defining moments. Much love to you and the Babe. The hubby too. Treat him right LOL

Day 20: Ekwem

My year really began with the end of my NYSC service year on Valentine’s Day. It was a sad day for me, for it closed a chapter on the wealth of experience which I had become accustomed to gaining in the preceding year.

Immediately after it came that waiting period which most first born males must dread. Your folks make the stupid, frustrating error of forgetting that the gods cracked our palm nuts in different ways, and instantly wish to see you make something of your life within a few days. Not weeks or months. Days.

The two weeks that accompanied my return marked the worst weeks of my last few years. It was the first time I realized my carefree nature was susceptible to great depression. I cannot reiterate how extended conversations with a particular twitter friend helped me not hurt somebody or myself. During, I learnt that the most important facility a man has is the strength of his mind, and that if he will not allow himself break down, all obstacles become surmountable. In the sustaining of this strength, prayer is an invaluable resource.

I worked a bit of the circuitry looking for work, and it was a difficult experience for those weeks, because my introvert lifestyle came to bite me in the ass. I discovered I didn’t have anyone to go to.

Tempers were raging in that house for reasons I still can’t unravel, so you can understand how glad I was when I was offered a job at long last (‘At long last’ was exactly 3 weeks, but you may not understand how many eternities were seemingly crammed therein). Dad didn’t even know I found a job until my first day of work.

Transport was torture. I work on the island. I used to leave home at 4.30am to escape Ikorodu traffic because of my terrible motion sickness…but there was no escape on the return journey as I left work at 6pm and got home at about 11 or 12 every day. I did this for three months, and yet, they were very happy months because the alternative was a frustrating home I wasn’t sure I wanted to belong to anymore.

Soon the distance of the work place necessitated my moving out earlier than I planned. It was the greatest moment of my life, because it felt like for first time in ages, I could chart the course of my life without distraction.

Since I began working, I have learned a lot of things about how other humans behave, and how disconsolate the world can be sometimes, but I have only myself to blame for my previous ignorance, for I have never been one to enjoy the close company of others, even until now.

Perhaps the most touching happening of this year was the painful and untimely death of the most cheerful person at my workplace. His picture is still on his former desk. Everytime I look at it (and I force myself to look at it), I am reminded of the fleetingness of my mortality, and the need to appreciate the effort of every breath.

I didn’t write as much as I would have loved to this year, despite the promises I made last year. I only wrote one major short story, which ended up taking more out of me than I bargained me, seeing as its creation spanned over 6 months…but I am infinitely proud of it.

When I hold this year against all the others, despite the early frustration and despair, I come to appreciate it and see it as the Genesis of my turning point, and the year to which, years from now, I would hold a glass of wine to my friends and toast, as the beginning of the rest of my life.

This is the year in which Yahweh came through.


Indeed, he always comes through. Missed your tortuous long stories this year, weird as it seems. Also like the quiet grown up Ekwem. Expecting loads from you in 2014. Bless