Day 15: Abigail

Rollercoaster

I cannot think of another word to define the year 2013.

I got into the ride in 2013 from an astonishing low, so low I felt it couldn’t go any lower. It did.

At the beginning of 2013 I lost everything I have ever worked for…everything, except my life (well technically, I didn’t exactly work for my life so we are back to everything. LOL) And then I was thinking, I still have my job…and then I lost that too.

Things got so bad that I wished I could take that which didn’t even belong to me. I woke each morning with a line from Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” playing in my head.

“The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep”

I thought of several ways to take my life, but I was too much of a coward to do any of them. I wanted to die easy. I wanted God to do it. He refused *sigh

I ended up in the hospital-high blood pressure and GERD ( Gastroesophageal reflux disease) First time it hit me like a heart attack and I thought surely God has answered my prayers. He was going to let me go without shame. But that was just another chapter in my list of 2013 woes. I was in and out of hospital so often that a nurse wished to my hearing that I wouldn’t come again.

By the second quarter, I had come to the realization that I probably wasn’t going to die. And if I wasn’t going to die maybe I should try to live again. It was a hard task. Certainly, it was one I couldn’t handle on my own. Some people came into my life at this time. Some were friends for a reason, others were friends for a season but I can’t take away the fact that they were friends.

I remember one day, I locked myself in my room and I was crying so hard and I got this call. I didn’t want to take it but the caller persisted. I eventually did when I thought I was composed enough. That call was a change point in 2013.

He said something like this: Abigail, I know you think of yourself as superwoman. Just look at all you have been going through since the beginning of this year and yet you come on Twitter and you act like all is well with you. You present such a strong façade. I am not saying that is bad but hey, I think it’s time you forgave yourself and got off your pride. You are human.. Unless you forgive yourself, you won’t be able to get out of this rut.
Up until that time I never realized how pride was stopping me from availing myself the opportunity of forgiveness. Here I was, relying on myself for strength to endure. The only thing I was asking God was to take my life. By the middle of the year, I did what I should have done a long time ago:

“Jesus take the wheel. Take it from my hand. Cos I can’t do this on my own”

I started taking steps to reconcile with God. I had turned away from Him for a very long time. I realized I needed to re-open that channel of communication and turn to Him for help; to seek His forgiveness and then to forgive myself. I came to deeply appreciate what God means when He says:

“for My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

I felt like my rollercoaster went some inches high. I could see a glimmer of light. I knew that if I remained steadfast in my resolve, the light would get brighter.

I got another job. The pay wasn’t as good as my last job but it gave me time to do so many other things I wanted to do. I started writing more regularly. I did 38 posts in my 38 day blog challenge and learnt so much about myself in the process.

The moments of depression became fewer and further in between. I dedicated more of my time to helping people who found themselves in the same situation that I did.  And I discovered another truth: one of the best cures for depression is helping other people.

The last quarter of this year has been filled with love. I found love in a very special place. I am finally flying on the wings of forgiveness. From time to time, the roller coaster still dips but I find that I can look into my gratitude journal and there are more reasons for joy than for pain.

I made great friends this year. I met Efe. I met Yomi. I became friends with Tunde. I met Wale. I met Batare. I found a way to weed my life of unnecessary relationships. I learnt that there is a time to keep quiet and a time to speak. I learnt endurance and what it means to let endurance have its work complete. I learnt patience. I sought peace. I learnt how to turn the other cheek. I learnt when to stand and fight. I learnt that for each of the bad things that happened to me at the beginning of the year, there was a flip side. For instance, I had been trying to lose 5kg all 2012, within a few months of my GERD attack and the nutrition changes I had to make, I went from a size 16 large to a size 12. See me see #fitfam  LOL

Sometimes I still feel so depressed that I cry myself to sleep but I wake up the next morning with a song in my heart:

“It’s a beautiful day, better than yesterday. It will be a better tomorrow, than it is today”

===============================

Thank you for sharing dear friend 🙂