Dusk: Peju

Earlier this year, I had told myself I was going to write on 19th Street in December. Made that decision in December 2012 sef. Then later on, I decided not to. Felt I would be “nakeding” myself and I was scared of that. But few days back, I got thinking, and decided to give it a try. So here goes nothing..

        So this year started out pretty weird (not so good weird) for me. I had finally come to the realisation that my life wasn’t gonna go the way I planned it in my head years back. Afterall, man proposes, God disposes. After battling the depression the previous year, I began to accept that God had other plans for me, so I let go and let God.

Gonna break my 2013 into 4 groups. God. Family. Friends and Social life. Love life.

       This year, I got closer to God. Not the deeper life, mary amaka skirt, conventional christian sorta way but I got to understand him more, prayed more, read my Bible on days that weren’t sundays (still struggling with this). I developed a relationship with him. Started to enjoy going to church. I’m still a work in progress but slowly, and surely, I’d get there.

        About family, there isn’t much to say really, but I’m grateful for them and I love them. This year, they got to see me as an adult and not the baby they were used to. They understand me more now, and I them too. We still have the fights and issues, but we’re in a better place. And I’m happy. Also I learned to love myself. If I didn’t, no one was gonna and I wouldn’t be able to truly love another. So I did. It was hard. Still a work in progress also. I love me. 😀

        Friends. Lost alotta friends this year due to my “push everyone away” attitute but I’m grateful for the ones that stuck and are still here. And I love them like crazyyyyy. I’m really thankful for them, and even though I rarely show it, I appreciate them a great deal. Glad for the ones that know my story and don’t judge but help in any way they can. God bless all of you. And as for social life, it’s currently dead. I blame twitter. Lol. Grateful for the skills acquisition program I attended last month. Helped a lot. Had fun too. Teehee.

         Love life. Lol. A relationship that meant the world to me at some point last year ended in April this year. Looking back, I’m grateful it did. We were like Rihanna and that Chris Brown look-alike in We Found Love’s video. No drugs though but toxic and bad for each other, couldn’t let go because of the “love”, so I’m happy when it finally ended. We were both tired anyway. No regrets. It taught me a lot. I was also grateful it ended because four months down the line, I met the most wonderful slice of sunshine and rainbows and everything beautiful on this planet. *blushes* Lol. He’s everything to me now. My world. Teacher. Best friend. Confidante. Adviser. And lover. He changed the “broken girl” notion the ex left behind. Made me see myself in a different, beautiful, brilliant light. Doesn’t ever hide the truth from me, even if it’ll hurt (of course he pets me after lol). Makes me extremely happy. Completes me. Makes me laugh. Helps me not to think bout my issues. It’s not smooth all the time but we make it work well. 4 months this month ^_^  Grateful God sent him my way. Lol. If you let me, I’ll talk about him from now till next year. He “beautified” my 2013.

       Grew up a lot this year. Stopped taking things and people for granted. Stopped allowing people treat me like shit. Stopped letting people take advantage of me or disrespect me. Spoke my mind more. Stopped being scared of people and their thoughts about me. Stopped letting what people thought of me affect me so much. Started to do things for me and not for people. Basically quit being a people pleaser, that held me back a lot, and I’m happier now since it stopped. Loving myself, body, mind, soul, heart, behaviour. Everything. Let someone in even when I vowed I was never going to anymore. Learnt that it was okay to not have the answers. Learnt that it was okay to be scared. Learnt it was okay to ask questions (it really helps). Learnt self control. Learnt it was okay to let go. Accepted the fact that not everyone was going to like/love me, accepted that people sometimes exit your life, making space for wonderful people to come in. Learnt how to put my anger under control again. Learnt prayer actually does work well. Learnt having a heart of gratitude goes a very long way. Still learning, and still growing.. Hope that I don’t make any more mistakes along the way, and if I do, I shouldn’t regret them but learn from them. 2013 was one heck of a year. Sigh. But I’m happy, and thankful. 🙂

      Anyway, still expecting a surprise from God before 2013 expires. Waiting patiently. This year didn’t start out nice at all. Like, I wrote off this year from the beginning. But it’s ending great, and wonderful. I’m thankful for the bad, meh, okay, good and great. And I pray my 2014 is especially beautiful.

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It’s weird how that second to the last paragraph reads like an understated reel of lessons God allowed you learn this year. Don’t count it lightly. Those were some life changing screws unlocked this year. I’m happy for you girl.

Day 8: Tiana

2013, This is where we say goodbye. It has been the fastest yet most lessons filled of all my years.

2013 was filled with lots of firsts:

After working for myself for many years…First full time paid employment. It was nothing like I imagined. I’m thinking it may be my last.

First full year as a wife.. Filled with lots of learning phases. Alot I wish I could undo but on second thought, I’m grateful that these lessons came early on in marital life since there’s still forever ahead of me.

Attempts at curtailing life long habits and building character were foremost on my mind. A message I heard pretty much sums up my resolve by the end of 2013.

“Quit wanting to be (like) someone else. Love life.. Love you.”… Just as I am. That same way God saw me and loved me. He found me valuable. So I only care to strive to be the best of me.

In the same vein “Quit trying to change other people.”…. to become like you or what you expect of them.

I was sad alot at the beginning of the year. Mad at myself and some loved ones, confused, full of regrets… because some of my adventurous sacrifices against my better judgement had become disasters. For all the anger, pain and sadness I felt in the year, this was the answer I needed.

With every time I thought about this, it got more surprising, that me, a human whom Jesus chose to die for without reservation and God took in and loved, in all my filth, would suddenly become selective of whom I could love. So I stopped praying to God to change the people in my life. Because it’s not in my place to decide whether or not their behaviour is appropriate. Also because trying to change them to fit my standards means I think of myself as better than them. I really doubt God likes that. So instead, I chose to work on myself, to be more accommodating and daily I literally felt my heart enlarge, making room for more. Even Apostle Paul said he became all things to all men. Armed with this view to life, living became a breeze. And gradually, my mind could no longer easily recognise the seemingly big issues that could cause misunderstanding.

Daily I become more fascinated by the diversity of the human behaviour. And how interesting learning to appreciate people the way they are can be. Because our expectations can be limited, in these people I find a whole new exciting journey with unexpected twists and turns.

It’s so easy to disconnect mentally when something isn’t exactly as you ‘planned’. My new attitude can be likened to this scenario: Instead of sulking that one has a lover who wouldn’t send roses ‘just because it’s Tuesday’ like a ‘regular’ lover boy would, I’m more determined to sit back and bask in the unusual expression of love from another mind that isn’t (like) mine. It is in His infinite wisdom that the creator thought to make us differently. To make life more interesting.

Keep Calm and Mind Your Own Business.
“If you mind other people’s business, you’ll never be happy. Quit judging other people. Ignore their wrongs and mind your own business. Frustrated lives abound when you make other people’s lives yours business. The more you do, the more you judge them“… the less your ability to love.

I finally embraced the knowledge that love is a verb. I don’t stumble on love.. I do love. Love is intentional.
That has led me to my first proclamation with full knowledge.. I’m in love. With myself, my world, my husband…
Everyday I’m especially grateful for a special someone to lavish all the love my heart can muster on. In putting a smile on his face , I find my happiness and fulfilment.

I thought having a baby would be just a good distraction. Then I got a first chance… a glimpse into how truly happy I’ll be to be a mum.. 🙂

PASTOR : “Welcome to 2013, It’s our year of favour.”

CONGREGATION: “Glory!!!”

On hearing those first few words at the beginning of the Year,  I started out with really high hopes.
Did I receive favour? I think my scope of favour was limited and the one who saw the Year ahead and knew exactly what I’ll need to sail through, positioned new relationships that matured me speedily at the various points which unanticipated tests came.

Times when all seemed bleak, with only streaks of confusion in sight. I made a new friend in May..This friend was really all my soul needed to unlock new levels of my existence like a game of candy crush.

Now the year is coming close to an end and I feel born anew. No pain, no hurt..just immense gratitude to God.
As an ‘Olivia’ Twist, I like a double portion of everything good. So if they say the number 7 connotes perfection, then I’d like double. Double perfection… that’s what I envisage in 2014. #I’mDeep #I’mDeep #PleaseDon’tArgue

The favour for me this year was in being able to build a foundation for the greatness that is to come in the Year 2014 and beyond.

And Oh, my First car came this year too. :’) Goodbye to high cab fares, sharing a car with the hubs, sticky sweaty bodies rubbing mine in tight buses, wavering ‘keke marwas’, and risky ‘okadas’ rides in some cases.
Where there’s life, there’s hope that assures me, that the ups, downs, and losses were just to help prepare me for the successes ahead.

Cheers to the new year. *pours water in wine glass* #Fitfam

“We can find good in anything/anyone.. it usually only takes keen interest. ”

– Tiana

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Twitter crush be like a candy crush. Tiana is all sweetness and light but let’s just say she’s glossed over some deep stuff that she went through this year. To write this like this at all to me is a huge victory in itself. Girl, I’m all for the double of portion of graaaaacccceeee you asked for in 2014. Amen