Dusk: Janet

I dreamed a dream – Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables)

     “… Still I dream he’ll come to me
       And we’ll live the years together
       But there are dreams that cannot be
       And there are storms we cannot weather. ”

I started this year full of hope, dreams and promises of a new life.

I was gonna get engaged to the Love of my life, my one and only,  whom I’d been dating for 9 years. Our introduction was to come in November. Who knew we were gonna break up few days to our 10th anniversary? For several weeks afterwards, I remained in denial. Hoping he would come back to me.

I kept holding on to that dream.

      “I had a dream my life would be
       So different from this hell I’m living
       So different now from what it seems
       But life has killed the dream I dreamed. ”

This year, I got raped by a friend. And I didn’t press charges because I didn’t want my parents to find out.
I was depressed and angry at life and everything.

Thank God for friends who are actually more like brothers, Lanre and Tokunboh;
They stood by me and prevented me from ending my own life.
Yet, when the rapist came crying and begging for forgiveness,
I forgave him and took back all the curses I laid on him.

And then, I found peace.
I started to love myself again.

        “And so long, my love
         Although I haven’t had enough
         Enjoy your life beyond,
         As long as you are now happier”

(Memoriam – Toya Delazy)

I realised I had to forgive my boyfriend. I also came to the realisation that it was truly over. And I let go.
         
PEACE!!! *arms spread out with my eyes closed*
            
This year, my life has been on pause. I neither moved backwards nor forward. Now that 2014 is fast approaching, it’s time to press PLAY.

This year has been the most traumatic year for me, yet the best year in terms of growth. I have grown. I’m wiser. I have learned to forgive and let go. I have learnt to love myself and find peace within. And I’m grateful to God for all the experiences of this year; it made me realise how strong I am and how important friendship is.

Come January 1st 2014, I’m going to cut my hair. Let it go with all the sadness of 2013 and start a new life.
A life full of greater hopes and dreams…I am ready to love and be loved again.
             
COME 2014.

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Read this and caught myself wishing this year’s memories could be wiped clean from your mind like a whiteboard. Can’t wait for you to love and be loved again Janet. Thanks for sharing.

Day 4: Ame

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding … and He will direct your path.

The theme of this year for me is trust. Handing over all control to God. As a very strategic person, I love to make plans, I have to do lists, I plan, ponder, think ahead, weigh the pros and the cons and generally wrap it all up in my head, feeling like a G.

January 1, 2013. I had great plans.

I was gonna be married, maybe June because that was his birth month. I had quit my job in December 2012 and was expecting to start a better one in Jan. I sorta had it all planned out.

LOL

Before the end of January, I was as single as a pringle. For the right reasons, but still….I was gutted. The year wasn’t looking good at all. God simply told me ‘I will take care of you’

I got a better job after so much emotional and physical stress.. Wasn’t as easy as I presumed. Everything was just somehow…

My birthday was in February. I woke up to a blank screen on my blackberry so I couldn’t even feel good about the birthday messages or dps. Got to work and stepping out of the car, there was a rip, my lovely birthday top tore. A horrible birthday. Hmmm, dear God, this wasn’t the plan. There seemed to be a grand conspiracy. I was getting paranoid and disillusioned… What was this life sef?

March through May was a blur. Different happenings. Mainly disappointing. Mainly scary. I lost a friend.. My age mate, he died just suddenly in April. An aneurysm they said. It was surreal. One of the kindest, smartest guys ever. I began to understand that it was not by my power, but by His grace, God’s grace taking me through each moment, each day. Life was a gift to make maximum use of, to cherish, to appreciate.

June and July, I started learning to trust God completely and thank Him for the grace to see each new day. It was a better attitude. I submitted all my plans to Him and somehow I started to have peace in my life and Joy in my spirit. Things were working, things were better. My life was good.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because You are with me.

God never promised there would not be storms, just that he would not forsake us during our storms.

In August, I had a car accident. Thought I was gonna die. I was angry with God. ‘Why? Why me? I though You said I should trust You’ I was fine but needed to spend a lot of money to fix my car. Urgh. God reminded me that I could have died but He spared my life. I immediately became thankful and contrite. I started to be thankful in everything, little or big because really, nothing is little. Trust me.

September through November, I understood that storms would come and when they come, I will fear no evil. I realised that God’s presence was all I needed. I had disappointments, a few bad things happened. But in it all, God turned each and every single one of them into my good and I’m not joking. For example, my boss suddenly started picking on me and making a lot of threats. Each day, he was threatening to report me. Finally, on the day he was going to make good his threat, he received a phone call, he was transferred. With immediate effect.. My other colleagues at work thought I was using jazz. LOL. I called my boss, thanked him for the good times and wished him well at his new place.

Here I am in December, happy, at peace and secure in God’s love. Wherever He takes me to, I will go. God’s plans are far above and better that any plan I could possibly have for myself. I’m a much different person from December 2012 and I’m amazed and happy at my growth.  It’s a lot easier for me to surrender all my plans to God, just being still and knowing that He is God.

I don’t have everything I want. I don’t have perfect days. But I have God, I have my wonderful family and I have my awesome friends. 2013 was rough but I can almost say it’s been one of my best years and that’s saying a lot. I’ve had very good years.

God’s grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Looking forward to 2014 and smiling. I don’t have great plans neither am I anxious about anything because I know God is able to do far more than I could ask or imagine, so really, I’m just gonna be still and know…

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…That He is God. Amen doctor. Bless