Do I need to introduce myself? Lol. My name’s Sanusi. I’m a scientist…in every way. I blog about tech at TechSuplex. I wanted to try my hands on something totally different and challenging, so…well…this is the result. If my writing’s poor, please refer to the “I’m a scientist” reference above.
My first try is a touchy subject, one I’m not even sure I’m qualified to debate about, but I had a talk about it with two different people in the past week and apparently, my views are very different from the norm…so I thought this might be a good place to take the plunge with regards to this experiment.
So Full Disclosure with your partner when in a relationship…Yay? Or Nay? I say yay and I’ll explain my reasons, but let’s first consider reasons why it could be Nay for some.
The three most popular reasons I hear are:
1. The need to protect one’s self from harm/hurt that could result from divulging certain details about one’s life or past.
2. The need to maintain some form of mystery, to keep the other person interested.
3. The need to forget one’s past (probably due to shame) and not empowering someone else to remind you of the past you so keenly want to forget.
The above are all great arguments, valid points, the importance of which shouldn’t be lost whichever side of the argument you are on. However, there are a few things to point out.
Humans are going to hurt you regardless of whether you give them details or not…Why? Because we are human…it’s built in our DNA…try as we may not to, we will eventually…again and again. The degree of hurt may vary depending on your relationship with the person, but that’s a function of YOUR mind. The person responsible for assigning how hurtful an experience is, is YOU…. Life get’s loads easier when you accept that humans will be humans. You can try to avoid them, and avoid hurt (not sure that works practically, but there’s a theoretical chance of it working), but at what cost? You miss out on so much of life to avoid so little. (Maybe next post if I can get around to it, I’ll discuss this concept).
Here’s something else to think about: WE ARE ALL SINNERS. Every single religion is built around that concept. You and I were filthy with sin before we were born…”Everyone’s nyash was opened thousands of years ago“…so I already know you are a sinner, what are you then hiding? Something that’s public knowledge? I don’t get it.
We all need to accept the fact that we aren’t perfect…no one is…the moment you do, becomes the point where you start being able to live with your past…and own it. If you own your past, you can’t have problems sharing it with people you care about.
Notice till now, how we haven’t even talked about relationships with your partner. I’m no expert (in truth no one truly is…so stop buying those books and read your Holy Book..lol). But let’s go there.
The basic goal of any genuine relationship is to become one with someone else. (I’m talking about the ones that sail towards the altar…corny joke, I know…but it isn’t mine..so I can’t take credit (un)fortunately). If the above goal rings true, then not divulging info to your partner from the unset presents two problems:
1. You can’t be a complete one with someone when parts are missing.
2. You also can’t be one if you take the decision to withhold information on your own, seeing as both of you are in it together.
So the very foundation of the concept is flawed (if you consider it the way I’ve laid it out).
Again, I’m not experienced, but I think the idea of having someone in your life, is for that person to accept you as you are, past and present…anything short of that is selling yourself short. If the person wants to be with you because of the impression(s) (that you give him/her), the person really is into an idea in his/her head and not you. Ideas, rarely last for long…till they are replaced with others.
That’s about it. Before I run off and duck for cover, out of curiosity, what’s the worst thing you have heard happen to someone because they were totally open in their relationship?
==============================
I think the views on this will be interesting. Views in the comment box please! 🙂
19th Street 
I tend to tilt towards ‘Yay’…85% of the time.
Lol and the other 85%?
What other 85%?! There’s only 15% left!
You should have left out the disclaimer. Can’t tell this was written by a techie at all.
Definitely a yay for me- take me or leave me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
He’s very good in presenting facts as they are. Must be something to do with his excellent tech blog, which I totally endorse even for non-geeks.
Thanks…had to put the disclaimer…just in case I didn’t meet today’s standards…lol…thanks again. 🙂
I endorse this, 100%
Another point you missed out is the fact that a chance will always exist that that which you are hiding from your significant other will eventually creep up behind you and ‘surprise’ them. The world is too small, too too small for one to go on thinking those secrets will stay forever hidden. Why gamble on that chance, big or small, when you can come clean early on and be accepted or rejected for who you are (or were) and have peace of
mind.
I’m really confused as to why folk take that gamble at all…
Exactly Toks! This right here is my argument every time this topic comes up. Yay, 100%
Oh yeah…true…dunno how I skipped that…the truth always comes out regardless.
Hmmm.touchy. Prof Basin of ubth once said to us that not everything is meant for the ears of your spouse. It stuck in my head. There are certain things that can never be disclosed. Others however are tie breakers and those truths must always be told. I addressed this issue on a post on http://www.iamsamsie.wordpress.com this is nt a blog advert. I felt really strongly about it when I discovered I was almost in a relationship with someone who had a child and didn’t tell me. I discovered on fathers day,… yeah, wow….
Forgive the typographical errors
Edited 😀
Yay. 100%
Place all my cards on the table from day one.
Full disclosure earlier on saves you from worse hurt. Just like Toks said, the truth has a way of coming out especially when you least expect and the effect, more damning. You either want me despite my past or you don’t.
‘Story-of-my-life-and-full-disclosure-cannot-be-over-emphasized’ kind of yay!
Even though the fears of someone using your past against you and maybe ‘see finish’ are real, none of those should be traded for the peace of mind that baring it all will give you. Partial disclosure and Editing is as bad as keeping secrets too…avoid going that route. Say it as it is.
‘Story-of-my-life-and-full-disclosure-cannot-be-over-emphasized’ kind of yay!
Even though the fears of someone using your past against you and maybe ‘see finish’ are real, none of those should be traded for the peace of mind that baring it all will give you. Partial disclosure and Editing is as bad as keeping secrets too…avoid going that route. Say it as it is.
Well, someone has used something I told him about me against me before and I felt bad about it…
All the same, it’s better to tell everything, if not before, then at that point when you’re both deciding to get into a relationship..
What we can do to make things easier is to pray for a discerning spirit to know the kind of people to wish to spend our time and lives with..
Oh this discerning who to share with is very very important