Dusk: Deola

My 2012 was a year of ups and downs , smiles and frowns, fake orgasms and tears with a lot of shots of vodka. My mother’s drama has reduced drastically (maybe it’s the fact she’s old now) and my father is as aloof and condescending as usual. 2012 was way better than 2011 by far thankfully but it had its own share of madness and tears:

Goodbye AUN: Yay me! 4 years in the hot sun of Yola was not easy. My last semester of school was just confusing and a mess of epic proportions. I made a few stupid mistakes, sorry a lot of stupid mistakes. The choice of guys I hooked up with, the company I kept and such. Loneliness will do that to you: cloud your judgment and make you think of the wrong people in the right way. I cringe when I look back and remember those last few weeks. I basically had no friends or people who understood me, I was just floating around some girls who were in their own group already. I was like the third wheel, awkward and just plain confused about stuff. Still confused right now sef. I always am for some reason. Sigh

My smoking habit came back in a serious way. At one point, I gave up drinking for smoking (I decided it would be better to limit my vices) but it wasn’t cigarette smoking. I was getting stoned, a lot. Every weekend, it dumbed me down and allowed me not to think about my problems. Every time I lit up a blunt, I felt like I was burning tiny fragments of my past and present and all I had to think about was getting food to satisfy my munchies. Oh and I developed an annoying habit of using metaphors that deal with fire. No I’m not an arsonist. I read something one day about fire and ever since then, I’ve been using burning metaphors in my head. Yeah, it’s weird.

Hello Syracuse, New York: I got into the S.I School of Public Communications for graduate school in magazine writing this year and I swear I ran around like a fool when I got the email. Columbia had rejected me and I had no hope for NYU. But as soon as I got that email, I knew someone was rooting for me up there. The best communications school in the world? Ah, Oluwa was heavily involved!

This brought a whole new level of independence with it. I have never lived so far from home (I can’t count Yola cause my mom and dad would come a visit once in a while). I was going all the way across the Pacific and I wasn’t sure if I was coming back anytime soon (I’m writing this from my bed in Nigeria, the father was a bit generous this year).

It was scary.

Nobody tells you how lonely it is. They tell you it’s all fun and games and parties and food. Don’t let them fool you. Yes it’s America, yes it’s one of the greatest countries in the world, yes it’s miles ahead of Nigeria in so many different ways. But it is not home. It is not the street food, the suya, the Yoruba women on the street shouting or the Igbo people in church clapping. It’s a country sometimes so ignorant that you wonder if you are in a classroom or in a racist white church (was asked if I came to America by boat once. A professor asked how come I spoke proper English for an African). I swear I almost punched someone.

The culture shock wasn’t my issue, I’ve lived in an American environment before. But just getting dumped by the love of your life and having no one to talk to when the nights were cold and the assignments got too hard hit me a bit harder than I expected. I wish I could say my transition to living in America was easy and so much fun (I admit the cocktails are fab and the boys are finer) but there will always be no place like home for me.

I finally know what I want to do with my life: If I die today and I’m asked what my greatest achievement was, I will say OmogeMuRa (the fashion blog you should be reading if you get a kick outta fashion like me). I truly don’t even know how we have come this far with it and I have to say it’s all thanks to my best friend Edwin. That morning in January when we decided to forget it all and pour our hearts and all into it, I didn’t know what we were doing. I was scared. I was worried no one would read it, or we wouldn’t be accepted or we would be fools of the blogging world. We have had our ups and downs but good times are coming for us. Fifty thousand unique views right now seems small but to us it’s the best number we have ever seen. Everyone seems to think this ‘fashion thing’ is a phase and the world will soon snap out of it. I won’t bother defending my passion; you will still think whatever you want anyway. You guys should be ready to read about me one day, I have huge dreams for myself and they are slowly falling into place.

I was betrayed: I won’t go into details about this. So much speculation and rumors have gone around already. I’m just going to say I’m still hurt, I’m still in pain and I am thankful for all the shit that has happened. All that bs about time is a lie, it’s been a while and I still can’t believe what went down. Without it all, I wouldn’t be here standing, picking up the pieces and becoming a better person. I will take some blame for this; I lowered my expectations and treated myself lower than I should. I deserved better but decided to accept mediocrity. And I paid the price for it all.

That’s basically it. God has been good to me and allowed me to grow into a person who is more self-aware of herself and her environment. I still have my faults and I’m working on them as I go into 2013 (granted that the world doesn’t end this Friday). My issues with depression and suicide have greatly reduced but they still rear their ugly head once in a while. The walls are still sky-high and even thicker but I have a feeling that 2013 will be a great year for me.

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I love the way Deola dances 😀 Thank you for gracing our pages this evening dear fashionista. You are great already. See? We are reading about you already 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Dusk: Deola

  1. hahishaa says:

    Somehow, all the sad posts I’ve read on Efe’s blog reminds me of how things can get better. You will be fine ma’am.. Btw, yesterday’s deola was also a sad post.. Y’all will be fine. 🙂

  2. @kunbillionaire says:

    Life is beautiful babe no matter what side u view it from! Love u

  3. Jk_McDazzles says:

    I think your blog is doing just great.

    Be encouraged by it and revel in it..

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