Have you ever worked for something so hard in your life and yet, it slips away so easily with a piece of paper? They tell you how to get it and you do exactly that, and more.. Yet, you fail miserably. Even much worse than you would have if you didn’t know the secret. Have you failed everything? Over and over again?
I bet you have.
2012 is the year I learnt that we are all in the same boat. Difference is, I want to jump off this boat. I want to sink to eternity.
This was the routine: wake up. School. Go and be awesome testing urine samples and swabs collected from body openings. All body openings (yuck). Come home. Listen to music. And lose your mind to nothing. Battery dies. Change position. Before my eyes close, it was morning again. Insomnia. Then there was the relationship that lasted 2weeks and a day because he wanted to make changes in my routine. I guess I didn’t like him enough to make time for him. I didn’t think about this until I fell in something alone. And I used my heart to break the fall. The world forcefully put me in the shoes of that young man who stayed 15 days. Never again. Relationships status: TFA.
Sometime this year, I disappointed my parents.I hated myself so much until I started hating them. Because they said things they shouldn’t have: “I couldn’t have been the one that gave birth to you” “do not disgrace me”. I couldn’t believe I was being labeled the disgrace of my family. That broke me. Yea. So.. I didn’t talk to my dad for 2 months and I’m still shocked at how well I did. More surprising cause he was always my best friend. I worshiped him. We went from talking everyday, then, all of a sudden, he was only my atm machine. And in those two months, I did well without his services. But I always said a silent prayer “dear God, don’t let him die before we fix this relationship” .. We somehow started talking again. Less friends, more father daughter.
Fast forward>>> The universe said “but of course I can get worse”.. The worst part of my year happened some few weeks ago. And I was only beginning to see the light at the end of my tunnel. Guess what? It was another train coming straight at me. When I thought I had hit rock bottom and there was no choice but for things to get better? I dug deeper. I promised my dad I’ll never disappoint him again, I worked really hard towards that. I prayed more often. And fasted when I could. Cause there was a goal and I couldn’t get there without God. Or so I thought. Turns out, with or without God, I wasn’t just meant to reach that goal. I failed. Somehow, I’m not good enough to achieve my dreams. Or God isn’t on my side. or He’s not there. Or does “He” have a bigger plan for me? Isn’t there a better way to direct me to the plan without stabbing me and my parents in the same wound again?
Another suicide attempt. I failed that one too.. God has a sense of humor. Even this life I don’t want, he makes me stay alive. 2012. I realized how little my family knew me. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it” they’d be disappointed how far I’ve departed. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to tell them of my latest fall. I can’t think of a way to put it. I don’t have the right words.
When I subjected to abusing myself physically. Cutting and using my body as an ash tray, and cutting some more: my arm was the sheet and the blade, my pen. There were friends. When I felt worthless and a waste. A friend came to me in need of a shoulder. For the first time this year, I felt I had a purpose. She was miles away and all we had were BBM smileys and phone calls and I cherish them always. The feeling of being wanted. When I withdrew to be with myself. Thinking of death and how it is the only peace I know, friends held my hand as if to say “be with us while you’re still here”.
My upbringing condemns so many things that I don’t know where I come from anymore. I could easily not be my parents daughter anymore if my sisters weren’t there to accept me always. Maybe because they still remember what it’s like being a teenager. Turning 18. Finding yourself or losing yourself. They are all I have.
Every disappointment is a Blessing, and vice versa? I’m here living upto my name. A disappointment in disguise perhaps?. Disguised with the smile that’s never absent on my face. I’m only 18 but I’ve lived well above that age and 2012 added a few more years to that. Right now, if I could…. (Insert The rebuke of Job’s Wife) *sigh*
It was a shitty year. Moments as beautiful and great as they might have been, aren’t much when you look at 366 days. 8784hrs.. I want a lifetime. Not moments. They go as easily as they come. In a blink.
Thank you very much Blessing. We will see you on the other side. Much love
Tomorrow we hope to sit down with the Immortal Teddy. Whatever that means