Day 17: Felicia

This year turned out good. It took its time initially…but it came through. Every month came with its own challenges and if there’s one thing I learnt this year, it is to stop struggling. I could gloss over and just highlight a few things but I think it’s better said as it happened.

In January, I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I had this brand new certificate but it just wasn’t enough…I needed more. So I had to choose between a PhD and residency. Thing is, I needed a scholarship for the PhD and it is really difficult to get a good medical residency post in Nigeria. I was tired of living at home with my parents and I knew I wouldn’t be able to move out unless I got a job far away from home. The job wasn’t forth coming so I moved back to the UK to write up my thesis and get published…even if that was the only thing I could do. Silly excuse I know, but I needed to move out  😀

So I’m back in the UK, lonely and free, and easily, I slipped back into an addiction I could not feed back home in Nigeria. Even then, God had His eyes on me. Browsing the internet one cool evening, I checked the medical exam website and I saw a slot for an Exam in March. Hmmm, perfect excuse to stay back in the UK…I registered.

Enter February, my ‘holy month’. I did not attend RCCG at the time but decided to fast with them. Kept me off the addiction for a full month. One of the longest I’d stayed away at that time.
It was almost as if I couldn’t wait to finish the fast. By March, I was preparing for my exams and trying to make up for the ‘no-sin’ period. Apart from my porn addiction, I was sexually active again. Having no-strings attached regular sex. You know you are far gone when you don’t feel remorse anymore. I was lost and was not sure I had a home anymore.

April comes and I passed the first set of exams. Yay! Unto the next set… April and May were good to me; I passed both exams and got confirmation from the scholarship body and the University that I was going to get a fully sponsored scholarship. I was still addicted to sin and as far away from God as possible.

I had to go back to Nigeria in June. I guess my parents were tired at this point. You see, I had not worked all year and they simply did not understand my career path. One of my closest friends got married…eye opener lol. Sometimes I caught my mum looking at me with this ‘where did I go wrong?’ look. Feeding my addiction was getting harder and harder by the day.

June/July, I knew I could not continue this way. I had put on so much weight that when my dad helped me check my weight, he suggested we use another scale. I hated myself. I was just disgusted with myself. I had been through an unhealthy number of meaningless relationships and had sex for the worst reasons. I knew I had to do something about my life generally.

I started with the weight loss. I became obsessed. This was going to be the defining thing in my life this year. If I could do this, I could do anything. I threw myself into it but I did it the right way. Diet and Exercise. I pushed myself a little more every day. . I stopped struggling; I just did the little things, the right things. And I did it…minus 10kg after 3 months

Encouraged, I decided to sort out the other aspects of my life. At this point, I really did not believe in God anymore and my prayers usually went this way… “God…if you exist….” . I don’t know how it started but God reached out to me.

In August I guess, I started reading the Bible again. I didn’t start from Genesis because I knew I’d just get stuck. I struggled. I cried. I just couldn’t seem to reach God. I mean, He was so real to other people but I was struggling to believe in His existence. I stopped struggling. I started with Job. Oh how I prayed for strength and leaned on Him. Some days I didn’t feel like reading but I told myself to keep doing the right things. Just like with the weight loss.

I started the book of Matthew on the 1st of December. It was such a big deal that I wanted it to be special. Reading the Bible has been sooooo helpful. I can’t even begin to describe how my life has been changed by the word of God. It took me a very long time to start believing again, I am not sure I am fully there yet but I have made a lot of progress.

I am no longer addicted to porn. God made this one easier than I thought. Before, I could tell you the last time I had a fix, but now I can’t even remember. This has strengthened my faith.
Also, for the first time in a long time I do not have any friends with benefits. This is a big deal. I deserve better.

Finally, I have learnt to accept a few things:
I will not be getting married in 2012 (sorry mummy)
I do not like cooking (but I am a good cook lol)
I am too evolved (like Sheldon Cooper) to learn how to drive or punctuate my sentences correctly…but I’ll really give the driving thing one last try next year
I am hopeless on twitter

2012 turned out good on the whole after all.

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6 thoughts on “Day 17: Felicia

  1. Euphoria411 says:

    The fact that you realized all what you needed to do to get things right on your own is truly admirable.
    God is awesome like that, taking us back whenever we realize His position in our lives (although we never learn early enough)
    Thank you for sharing.

  2. amy ox_chambo says:

    Be strong my sister
    God will help you through
    Have a good 2013

  3. highlandblue says:

    Standing ovation Felicia.

  4. @kunbillionaire says:

    One day @ a time is always the best way to do things. U r stronger than u know.

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