“Rather than Love, than money, than fame, give me truth”
Henry David Thoreau
I spend a lot of time alone, looking at the lives of other people, listening to people talk, just watching people be themselves, and I’ve been like that for a very long time. My life is very normal. I struggle most times when I speak with people and have to share extreme stories. Most times I’m just there watching, listening and saying very little, I’ve lived most recent parts of my Life far from the edges. No major happenings, no head spinning stories, just a very normal Life. Just a normal story and I hope I write for more than myself.
2012 started well, the usual church meeting at the end of the year then 20 maybe 30 minutes with the family. Everyone takes turns praying, we all pray together, then My brother and I approach the kitchen, some years we take turns in and out, I go to the kitchen, fill myself with meat and drinks then get some for him. Other years we sit there until we get stricken with guilt about the weight of the plate, then go to bed. 2012 was like that. Beautiful way to start a year.
I wasnt going to be with the family for much too long, I had just returned from registering for a new Course i wanted to take, not a lot of friends in Lagos to see so my bags stayed packed.
A lot people around me, especially the people I Loved who helped me grow didn’t like my stand on a lot of issues, so over time, I had tried to spend as much time as I could spend with them and yet be happy. I didn’t grow up talking much, I had a little sense of humor like everyone else in the family. Talked very little and the serious things I said were masked in a Joke or two. I had started asking questions from years before, questions that couldn’t be answered by the people around me, questions that could mean everything I had lived for, everything I hoped for as did the people I had grown to love was a lie. So I was liked for been a gentle person, but not for the things I wanted to know, not for the opinions I had about the things that were important. I thought I was getting open minded, but in open mindedness, I had built walls around me, I started asking questions too early. I’d flail the people I loved with whips I had made with truth, my eyes red, heavy, my voice raised, I thought everyone wanted to put me in his cage. Life had been like that for seven years. But nearing 2012, I realized I couldn’t stand rejection. I had started speaking less, more people would like me if I was quiet, I smiled with people, yet knew if we talked and shared beyond my usual nod to end a conversation, we’d start a fight again. My desire was to get me plenty alone time. 2012 my shield!
I thought with 2012, I’d find the answers to my questions, find reasons to believe in the things I believe in. I’ve never wanted to be just anybody or like everybody. I wanted to seek truth, know truth, embrace truth and live truth.
With a Masters course, I’d learn Geophysics, some more Physics and I’d have all the time alone I wanted. Maybe all the time alone I’ll need for a very long time. 2012 gave me all the time alone.
I think I know better when to say what now. I’ve learned the value of people, I’ve come to be able to act with a lot of respect and Love for people. Never have I known more than I do now that “Man’s wrath cannot work God’s righteousness”.
I do not think I achieved as much as I would have liked. Didn’t find all the answers I wanted, rather I got more questions than I found answers. I didn’t learn all the Physics I wanted or acquire as much skill much aside the course I took as against the year before.
Got through with the Masters course in Applied Geophysics, the exams were not horrible but I do not think I worked half as hard as I could or wanted. I thought I’d be able to spend some time working with an NGO, but I couldn’t, I was selfish and lazy in that regard.
I learned this year that I was a strong person. At the beginning of the year, I saw this picture of a model, he had only boxers on and I thought I could have a body like his. The first few days at the gym felt like fighting two world wars rolled in one. A month or two and I could bench my Weight, then a few months and I could bench well over a hundred Kg. I wanted to carry my girlfriend even more, I didn’t run away every time she asked me to do push-ups with her lying on my back. Haleluya people!
… My Friends
I didn’t achieve all the things I thought I would, but I’ve got reason to be thankful. I’m wiser, I’m stronger, I was strong for myself, for my family and my friends. Sometimes I’d straight up talk to with friends going through a rough patch and I’ll find much to learn from the things I shared with them.
My friends were there for me this year; all my life I’ve never had to depend on other people as much as I did this year. I do not want to wonder what could have been, I’m just grateful, and I hope I can be there for them when they need me.
Hope is not insane.
My name is Timi.