2012!!! My hopes were so high at the beginning of the year.
It was the year I turned 30 Yaaaaayyyy!!! I was really excited even though people were telling me that I was old and I should go get married. They didn’t know I had it all planned out. My boyfriend would propose on my birthday or Valentine’s Day and the wedding would be in December, he had certainly dropped enough hints to this effect. So there I was starry eyed and hopeful, walking on clouds.
I had been saving up for a car and would finally be able to afford one before the year is over. I didn’t quite have my dream job yet but I was in a long distance relationship so when I got married and moved I figured I would still change jobs so why bother right then?
I applied for and got a visa all in anticipation of this much anticipated glorious ‘ring’ so I would jet off and shop for my wedding as society demanded. I took some professional exams which I aced; my man had come to see my folks, prostrated flat for my mum, bought gifts for all concerned. I hadn’t been to see his folks yet because they lived in another town. Everything seemed to be going according to plan until about the middle of the year.
My birthday came but the ring didn’t, he had called and said he couldn’t make it. He sent money instead for a new phone and for me to take some friends out. (Funny how he thought money would compensate for his absence or lack of a proposal). So there I was hoping he was going to spring a surprise visit as usual, but naaaaah…that didn’t happen.
A week later he comes up with this great idea that we need to slow down as he is under pressure from work and some personal deadlines. I’m confused and ask all the questions and try to reassure him that I will be there for him no matter what. The calls stop, the texts stop not to talk of the video calls on skype. It was over, I had been dumped. There I was 30 and single after a 2year relationship. Meeeeehhhnnn!!!
Depression doesn’t begin to describe what I was going through. I was calm on the surface and no one could tell the turmoil within. One Sunday morning as my family got ready for church, I just lay on the cold bathroom floor and cried, questioned God, blamed God, asked why He allowed me to go through this. Didn’t God love me enough? Why God didn’t want me to be happy? My friends were celebrating their 4th and 5th wedding anniversaries and there I was, jealous and angry.
I felt I needed a change of environment so I went on that trip and I was sad all over again because the plan was to come and shop for my wedding. That was when I got reckless, thinking, “what’s the use of being a ‘good girl’ and for whom?” I partied a lot and had rebound hook ups (or set P), abandoning all morals in d process.
What brought me down to earth was a pregnancy scare, for a married man no less (I don’t think they sell Postinor2 in other countries). I felt so ashamed of myself and I was terrified of having another abortion (yeah you read it right, I had a previous one in 2008, scariest shit ever). Plus I was not in Nigeria, (boy, are abortions easy to get here!)
I crawled back to God praying in every language I know and made every promise under the sun. I almost did a thanksgiving service when my period finally came.
I’m home now, no place better. Back to an uneventful life, no relationship yet but that’s cool. Went to get tests done and I’m healthy. I have decided to give this celibacy thing a try, started in November. It’s scary because I have never had a non-sexual relationship; I’m scared it might make me be alone for a long time. I mean, guys want sex right?
I am looking for a better job now and basically just focusing on my career. Not sure whether to be hopeful about a relationship. Let’s face the facts, I am kinda old lol.
2013 please be nice to me.
Ajoke is the first of our guest writers who will be using a pseudonym (cover name). As you may have guessed, we will refer to them as mystery writers.
I actually felt the pain hidden beneath the layers in this story. Thanks for sharing Ajoke.