Writing this was really hard for me because it brought back all the emotions I felt during the most significant part of my 2012.
Before I asked Efe if there was any slot left, I was tensed and when he replied me I started having doubts. I became uncertain. I wasn’t sure if i wanted my life to be in the open, but anonymity is bliss.
2012: The worst year of my Life. This year started out as many others had: the new year resolutions, ongoing issues with Nigeria,ASUU strike, med school, boy issues, nothing extraordinary. The year dragged on in similar fashion until June,when things began to take a turn for the worse. The beginning of my woes. My Dad had been having an on and off illness which did not seem serious. He’d complain of general weakness and feeling ‘too full’. He finally agreed to go the hospital for a general check-up and they admitted him for a close examination.
I’m a student and I live off campus so I had to come home to take care of my youngest sister as my other sibling (a girl) was in boarding school. Going to school from home was really hard because my house was so far from the school. I’d get home at about 8pm everyday and have to leave by 7am the next morning. The whole thing was tiring and I really didn’t have time to visit my Dad in the hospital. After doing this for a while I went back to my place. I had series of tests coming up and I wasn’t studying well from home.
Fast forward to tuesday 10th July 2012. My mum called me while I was in school and told me I needed to come home because she had to take my Dad back to the hospital. I reluctantly went back home, reluctant because my big test was the next day. I got back and met only my sister at home. I tried calling my Mum but my Dad picked up and told me that he had to be admitted again and that the nurses were trying to get a bed for him and my mum was not there. That was the last time I was to speak with him but I didn’t know it at that time. Wednesday morning, I took my sister to school and also went for my own big test. While in school I called my mum again and she told me everything was going on fine and I believed her. Some twenty minutes before the test I tried calling again but my Dad’s friend kept answering my father’s phone telling me he was in the ICU. I started becoming scared but tried to calm myself.
I was the first to leave the hall after the test and I practically ran home so that I could go to the hospital from there. Getting home, there were a multitude of cars parked in front of the house and someone was praying in the living room and I kept looking for my father, wondering if it was him they were praying for. I didn’t see him. I saw my mum in a corner, I went over to her and the only words I heard were ‘daddy would want us to be happy,he has gone to rest’. I was screaming hysterically. I kept shouting ‘No! This can’t be happening to me! This is not me! This isn’t my life!’ I was inconsolable. I wanted to die also.
Space will not permit me to write on the remaining events that happened afterwards but we buried him and seeing his corpse was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was in so much pain I wanted to rip my heart out. The burial itself was another round of challenges but thanks to some good family members and family friends we were able to make it through. The only thing worth mentioning this year is my Daddy. From January to June was eventful and from June to this moment has been all about pain, constantly questioning my faith,sacrifice and responsibility and disappointment. Pain because my father is the strongest most disciplined man I’ve ever known. Nothing could shake him and all too suddenly he was taken form me. He was the kind of person you aspired to be, the most loving father on this whole earth. He was my rock and I could rely on him for anything and now that has been taken from me. I feel like I’m on quicksand just being sucked into oblivion.
I still wake up most nights hyper ventilating and in tears. My faith and belief in God was not so strong to begin with but now it’s just steady flat-lining. God is supposed to be omnipotent; he possesses utmost power so why didn’t he heal my Dad? I prayed even when the sickness didn’t seem bad and yet he didn’t answer me. I asked him to please keep my family till we were all of old age but he just tossed aside my request. I don’t know what to think anymore. I read his book and obeyed his commands and still he didn’t just grant this one request. More strain just being added to an already shaky relationship. I have an added sacrifice because now I’ve been going to school from home and it has not been easy. I’ve given up the frivolities of my youth. They don’t make sense anymore; we’ll all die anyway so it doesn’t matter what you do.
I turned 20 last month and I have never been less excited about my birthday. It was drab mainly because I wanted it so, activities were happening around me and I was being ‘celebrated’ but they really shouldn’t have bothered. Responsibility now is heavy because I’m the first child and you cannot imagine the responsibilities that have been thrust on my head. People keep telling me ‘you have to be strong for your mother and your sisters’ ‘you know now they will be looking up to you and if you show depression they’ll follow suit’. But I just want to really say f**k all those people because who is supposed to be strong for me? Who? And when I was strong they’d disturb me saying ‘you’re a strong girl oo’ .I think a coping mechanism I developed, is just a to put up a facade, a happy exterior but it’s just so no one will bother me with talk of depression . This year really sucked. I have nothing to look forward too. My Future looks and feels bland.
2013 I really do not care if you come or not, the world might possibly just end on the 21st.
I am totally relieved to read this. As hard as it was for you to write this, I really hope you found every single word well worth it. Much love