Day 3: Okiemute

Writing this was really hard for me because it brought back all the emotions I felt during the most significant part of my 2012.

Before I asked Efe if there was any slot left, I was tensed and when he replied me I started having doubts. I became uncertain. I wasn’t sure if i wanted my life to be in the open, but anonymity is bliss.

2012: The worst year of my Life. This year started out as many others had: the new year resolutions, ongoing issues with Nigeria,ASUU strike, med school, boy issues, nothing extraordinary. The year dragged on in similar fashion until June,when things began to take a turn for the worse. The beginning of my woes. My Dad had been having an on and off illness which did not seem serious. He’d complain of general weakness and feeling ‘too full’. He finally agreed to go the hospital for a general check-up and they admitted him for a close examination.

I’m a student and I live off campus so I had to come home to take care of my youngest sister as my other sibling (a girl) was in boarding school. Going to school from home was really hard because my house was so far from the school. I’d get home at about 8pm everyday and have to leave by 7am the next morning. The whole thing was tiring and I really didn’t have time to visit my Dad in the hospital. After doing this for a while I went back to my place. I had series of tests coming up and I wasn’t studying well from home.

Fast forward to tuesday 10th July 2012. My mum called me while I was in school and told me I needed to come home because she had to take my Dad back to the hospital. I reluctantly went back home, reluctant because my big test was the next day. I got back and met only my sister at home. I tried calling my Mum but my Dad picked up and told me that he had to be admitted again and that the nurses were trying to get a bed for him and my mum was not there. That was the last time I was to speak with him but I didn’t know it at that time. Wednesday morning, I took my sister to school and also went for my own big test. While in school I called my mum again and she told me everything was going on fine and I believed her. Some twenty minutes before the test I tried calling again but my Dad’s friend kept answering my father’s phone telling me he was in the ICU. I started becoming scared but tried to calm myself.

I was the first to leave the hall after the test and I practically ran home so that I could go to the hospital from there. Getting home, there were a multitude of cars parked in front of the house and someone was praying in the living room and I kept looking for my father, wondering if it was him they were praying for. I didn’t see him. I saw my mum in a corner, I went over to her and the only words I heard were ‘daddy would want us to be happy,he has gone to rest’. I was screaming hysterically. I kept shouting ‘No! This can’t be happening to me! This is not me! This isn’t my life!’ I was inconsolable. I wanted to die also.

Space will not permit me to write on the remaining events that happened afterwards but we buried him and seeing his corpse was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was in so much pain I wanted to rip my heart out. The burial itself was another round of challenges but thanks to some good family members and family friends we were able to make it through. The only thing worth mentioning this year is my Daddy. From January to June was eventful and from June to this moment has been all about pain, constantly questioning my faith,sacrifice and responsibility and disappointment. Pain because my father is the strongest most disciplined man I’ve ever known. Nothing could shake him and all too suddenly he was taken form me. He was the kind of person you aspired to be, the most loving father on this whole earth. He was my rock and I could rely on him for anything and now that has been taken from me. I feel like I’m on quicksand just being sucked into oblivion.

I still wake up most nights hyper ventilating and in tears. My faith and belief in God was not so strong to begin with but now it’s just steady flat-lining. God is supposed to be omnipotent; he possesses utmost power so why didn’t he heal my Dad? I prayed even when the sickness didn’t seem bad and yet he didn’t answer me. I asked him to please keep my family till we were all of old age but he just tossed aside my request. I don’t know what to think anymore. I read his book and obeyed his commands and still he didn’t just grant this one request. More strain just being added to an already shaky relationship. I have an added sacrifice because now I’ve been going to school from home and it has not been easy. I’ve given up the frivolities of my youth. They don’t make sense anymore; we’ll all die anyway so it doesn’t matter what you do.

I turned 20 last month and I have never been less excited about my birthday. It was drab mainly because I wanted it so, activities were happening around me and I was being ‘celebrated’ but they really shouldn’t have bothered. Responsibility now is heavy because I’m the first child and you cannot imagine the responsibilities that have been thrust on my head. People keep telling me ‘you have to be strong for your mother and your sisters’ ‘you know now they will be looking up to you and if you show depression they’ll follow suit’. But I just want to really say f**k all those people because who is supposed to be strong for me? Who? And when I was strong they’d disturb me saying ‘you’re a strong girl oo’ .I think a coping mechanism I developed, is just a to put up a facade, a happy exterior but it’s just so no one will bother me with talk of depression . This year really sucked. I have nothing to look forward too. My Future looks and feels bland.

2013 I really do not care if you come or not, the world might possibly just end on the 21st.

============================

I am totally relieved to read this. As hard as it was for you to write this, I really hope you found every single word well worth it. Much love

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22 thoughts on “Day 3: Okiemute

  1. kovieparker says:

    I read this and I want to hug you and tell you you’ll be fine. I want to tell you it’ll get better. I want to tell you God listens. I want to tell you you’re strong, stronger than you think. I know none of it will take the pain away…but we’ve got to believe, even when we don’t.
    *hugs*

  2. Euphoria411 says:

    Having to put on a brave face to keep people off our pain has to be the hardest thing EVER.
    I’m sorry about all you’re going thru but U have to realize things are terribly bad b4 they actually get better.

    U’ll be fine.
    Nice write-up; thanks for sharing.

  3. Mercy says:

    I cried reading this…
    I don’t need to tell you to be strong, you are already. You will make it, you’ll see. You will look back at 2012 someday, and see beyond reasonable doubt that you did amazing, and made your dad, mum, siblings and yourself proud. Keep your head up. Don’t hold the tears in everytime, cry when you can, it helps to let the emotions out sometimes. You will find reasons to truly smile again. And your faith in God, it will grow again. In the end, everything will turn out right

  4. Sirkastiq says:

    Sometimes, Kovie all the things you want to say don’t matter.

    We are quick to say “you’ll be fine” when it sure doesn’t look/feel that way and truth is we really don’t know that. we want to say “you’re strong” when all one feels is weakness in the knees and heart..

    Even from the standpoint of faith, reality needs to be embraced. At points like these, like the bible even said: “Mourn with those that mourn”

    For Okiemutie, I think there’s a lot that still needs to be let out…somehow.

    Love.

  5. God bless you Okiemute for having the courage to write this. It must have taken a whole lot out of you, something only those who have felt such a loss before can truly understand.
    I pray for you, that you come to understand God and that your relationship with Him grows and that you heal as much as is possible from this.
    May God grant you and your family the fortitude to bear this loss and may you live a life that your father’ll be proud of where he is.

    Sorry for the lengthy comment Efe.

  6. tobicomm says:

    (((Hugs)))

  7. I know that feeling, when you just want to ask God why, and where He is, and why He’s just looking and doing nothing. But I’ve learnt that He never sleeps, no matter how hard it is believing that. And after everything, we really have no one else to look up to for strength but Him. So I’ll want you to do that dear, ask Him for strength. Strength for each day, to take it as it comes. You can’t do it on your own, and you weren’t meant to.
    2nd Cor 12:9 says His grace is sufficient for you and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
    I could go on and on, but I’ll end with this. God sees, He knows and He understands, and trust me He’s ready to see you through this, but you have to give Him a chance.
    Romans 8:37- Ye through all these things, we are more than conquerors through Christ who saved us.
    🙂

  8. emotunrie says:

    I can relate to this Okiemute, I was there this year, and somehow I know you’ll make it through these times.

  9. Chica says:

    The Lord is your strength. This made me so very sad. This too shall pass my dear, for in life we have phases or seasons.

  10. hrh7 says:

    I know that feeling intimately. I’m sorry. There comes a time after a tragedy that people start forgetting. That’s ok. It’s only annoying when they expect you to start forgetting as well. You don’t have to. Let yourself feel the pain. Experience the breakdown. It will pass. It always does. But don’t lose GOD. Question him, rail at him and cry if you want but don’t lose HIM. I pray that GOD gives you the strength you need. Just stay hopeful. 2013 is going to be better.

  11. Thank you all for your concern and kind words. Hopefully the pain will be easier to bear and who knows, maybe 2013 will be a better year.

  12. Fanta_101 says:

    *hugs*

  13. @kunbillionaire says:

    *big hug.
    No words @ all. My prayers are with you.

  14. Jk_McDazzles says:

    This made me so tearful, and every one has said all the things I want to say..
    ..Please remember to remember that no matter how long it takes, how dark it seems, this too shall pass..

  15. Jk_McDazzles says:

    Please open your arms to 2013

  16. ludikros says:

    Sweetheart. You will feel like crap for a long time. You will hate everyone for everything or nothing at all. God will be silent.
    Sweetheart. The world will not care for the hole in your heart. People will be at a loss for the right words to say and say ‘you’ll be fine’ ‘you’re strong’. They’re psychos the lot of them! Right dear?
    Sweetheart. You should cry. You should yell. You should break things and you probably should break yourself. Only then dear heart, will you find the strength you need to get the pieces back together.
    Sweetheart. Its all broken but with all the flung out pieces, it will be brought back together. It may not be whole again but the lines and cracks will remind you of a time when all was indeed lost.
    Sweetheart. You do not see the light beyond the tunnel? That’s because its not there yet. Until you walk towards the end of the tunnel, the lamp will not be lit.
    Dear heart, know that those who’ve gone before you carry in their smiles, cracks and lines of loss and shattered dreams. They also carry something of the light beyond the tunnel because they dared to walk towards it.

    Please cry, wail, break. When you’re done, come towards the end of the tunnel. A lot of us are waiting for you, so is God.

  17. […] only took my reading Okeimoute’s story on 19th Street to appreciate my year. When Efe was asking people to pick dates to write, I wasn’t […]

  18. Ekwe says:

    I am very sorry. God isn’t deaf, he just has his own system. take heart. God bless you.

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