Surprise for Team Insomnia: Coco

Coco (@CeceNoStockings) wrote!!!!!!!!!

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If you’re reading this, then I actually went ahead and sent it in *rme*

I’ve read all your highs and lows. I’ve ‘awww’ed and ‘lol’ed and ‘rme’d and just simply not really cared. I haven’t commented. But yeah. I’ve read them.

I don’t comment on posts anymore. Don’t know why. I just…stopped. At most, I ‘like’ it. This year, I found blogging again. I remembered why I loved to write, and I did. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost it again. I did, however ‘meet’ some really interesting people/writers.

I noticed everyone was thanking a group/list of friends they’ve made. Everyone I want to “shout out” to or thank has been covered. I’m just going to assume you all know yourselves. I’ve listed your names over and again. So much so that I worry you may have grown weary. But I love you all nonetheless. I can never adequately convey verbally how truly grateful I am for each and every one of you. 🙂

I’ve always had a lot of dreams. I’ve never really put much effort into pursuing them. I am a quitter. It’s not something, I’m proud of. It’s a problem..my problem.  Finishing things I start suddenly isn’t my strong suit anymore. This year, the gravity of just how terrible this is forcefully presented itself to me.

A lot of people think I’m brave because I went ahead and had a baby. Yeah. I’m not. I don’t really talk about it. But, God kinda made the decision of keeping her alive. I really didn’t have a choice. If you know what I mean. My heart breaks every time someone calls me brave. I’ve thought about giving her away several times simply because I felt like I couldn’t cope. Still do sometimes. I’ve even contemplated ending it all….I’m a coward. I know I am. It sucks lizard balls, but it’s true.

Do I regret keeping her? No. I love her. Truly. Deeply. She’s helped me learn.

I’ve learnt to put aside my pride and borrow money or take stuff from a store on credit or accept gifts/handouts.

I’ve learnt sacrifice. Making do without stuff I may want or need, or selling some stuff, so she has what she needs.

I’ve learnt to smile/laugh and say/type “I’m fine” even when I’m hurting inside. No one really cares, you see? When someone askes how you are or if you’re okay, they don’t want to hear about your problems. Even if they do, they probably have an ulterior motive.  Everyone has his/her own demons. We just want to hear/read “Fine.”. Well, ‘they’ do. Not me. I really care.

Humans feed off the misery of others. You complain/rant about your problems publicly, and people will laugh at you. Some might feign sympathy to gain favour to be redeemed at a later date. They will tag you ‘weak’ and move on. It’s unlikely that they will help you solve the problem. Unlikely, but possible.

I made friends this year. 🙂 I probably shouldn’t have, but I’m glad I did. I’ve had an excellent time picking the minds of really amazing, intelligent, and beautiful people. I’ve been encouraged and loved and prayed for, and, honestly, sometimes it all gets so overwhelming that I cry. But I never tell anyone, of course.

I was supposed to go back to school this year. A lot happened and I didn’t. I don’t want to go into all that because, like I said, you really don’t care. But we’re praying and hoping it happens soon. We’ll see what happens.

God is truly amazing. He’s the reason we’re here. He’s gotten me through the most difficult of times. Either directly or through someone in my life.

Telling you I almost committed suicide would be stupid, but I’m in the mood. You know? I’ve struggled with my condition for as long as I remember. It doesn’t help struggling to raise a baby practically by myself. But I’m still here. I’ll try my best to keep it that way.

I’m sorry I didn’t list my highs and lows like everyone else seemed to do. I told Efe I didn’t have any highs this year.

In retrospect, I guess I do. I’m 20. I’m single, out of school, and jobless with no steady source of income. I’ve had my hopes and expectations crushed so much this year, that I stopped expecting any good news, and I’m raising a baby. My princess 🙂 that’s my high. She’s all I could ask for. She’s beautiful, and the push I needed. Every time I look at her I’m gonna want to work harder, and that’s what I’ll do.

*raises glass of Ribena*

So, here’s to pushing forward, staying alive and 2012. Because there really is no point in crying over spilled milk. 🙂

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Like you said, only divine strength can be the reason we keep pushing on when we have every reason to stop. Amazing Grace

There’s a point crying over spilled Ribena though. The tears dilute the spilled Ribena, making it easier to mop up. 😐

So the very last post of this series will go up at noon, written by Wole. But before then, 4 awesome writers will be on here in a “Last Day of 2011” Countdown. Osama, Ife, Olatokunbo and Yemisi. Do not miss a single one.

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12 thoughts on “Surprise for Team Insomnia: Coco

  1. MzSwitz says:

    This just made me speechless. And more appreciative of what I have. I don’t know you but this made me feel sort of close to you. I hope you get back to school and it all works out fine. God will give u the strength required to raise your angel and still do good in ur life. Because you’re a superwoman. Bless.

  2. Aidee says:

    1 Corinthians 10:13. He is always there. You are strong dear, I’m sure you’re a good mother and your daughter is blessed.

  3. keetkat says:

    Sharing this alone makes you brave. I have a lot to say but it’ll probably sound cliché. Trust me, we all go through those rough periods where nothing seems fair anymore, you”re so not alone.
    And, some of us really mean it when we ask “how are you?”
    **
    This post got a gangstuurr all emotional *sigh*

  4. datibogurl says:

    All I can say is wow. Hold on tight girl and continue to be strong

  5. edgothboy says:

    Immense respect for you! Bringing a life into the world is the an admirable feat. Just know you have one more person somewhere out here, rooting you!

  6. Ritzie says:

    You are strong. Stronger than you know.

    I have a great deal of respect for you.

    God bless you.

  7. highlandblue says:

    I’ve put giving that baby bundle of joy a peck close to the top of my bucket list.

  8. Mz_Shadee says:

    Hmmmm….. This reminds me of someone…ME! I had my baby at 21, I was single, it hurt, I hadn’t gone to uni.

    Its years later, she’s grown, I’m done with school, I’ve seen her thru school all by myself, in d end all I can say is I’M STILL HERE! Hold on girl, u are a strong woman and u will be fine, trust me, I know..trust God He knows better 🙂

    That said nne, there are pple who really care. I know we don’t knw each other (just twitter) but if I ever get to ask, its cos I really care and I di want to know out of a sincere heart, and I’m sure there are a few pple like that as well. 🙂

  9. ..... says:

    Am Female and have always loved Cece for a very longg time. Not d fake love but the kind of love Dat makes me want to protect her from all. I hope I overcome my shyness and talk to u one day.
    Take care of ur angel and God’s blessings to u.

  10. Chicasa says:

    I was knocked out by the blatant truth of an uncaring human race by this post. Speechless at first, then my brain tries to find a way to let you know there are excepptions to every rule and situations.

    Ve known you briefly on twitter $ d fact I never guessed all of this shows ur strength. God bless you Cece and I owe you a hug.

    Pushing forward is a great idea. Keep the hope up. Better days are ahead in 2012.

  11. malota says:

    Dont personally know you but i have always admired you ever since i stumbled across your blog and writings, i admire you more today cos of your strength. Happy new year Cece

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