So we have been waiting for Tinuola (@Pulchae) for some time now 🙂
Hmmm 2011… (starts self-appraisal as Imagine Me plays in the background) what a year! I hardly know Efe but when I saw the Guest challenge, I just knew I had to be part of it and thank God Bola RTed it…
So I am eager to get on this challenge, yeah? Then Efe says ‘no romance’; NO ROMANCE!!! That stopped me dead in my tracks and made me skedaddle back to my cave (I mean seriously what’s a write-up without romance? Even a badly turned out romance makes for great stories), buried my head in my hands and silently screamed ‘no way’. I wrestled with my mind who won me over by telling me I could do it so I go back to Efe and say ‘Yes I can’. (Editor: Don’t go there. Look what happened to Obama)
So here goes, giving credence to my fore-runners and hailing them on a job well done on this guest challenge and also seeing some of them unconsciously refute Efe’s wishes – I became eager to travel this road with you. Fully integrated in my service to God and humanity I decided to take on this year that promised to be better than the last. Who knew right? That question usurped my belief in predictability and shook me to my bones. A journey of friends (lost and found); deep-rooted spirituality (lost and found) and sexuality (you guessed right – lost and found too).
Where do I begin? So many things to go back to, so many arguments that have been refuted.
I came to learn that you are not the only one responsible for your life, there are others that have taken it as a point of duty to sniff out your commitment and orientation to life. If you don’t believe me check this out – at the fusion of your egg with the sperm of your dad’s your mom becomes solely responsible for you and your choice. After birth a lot of people watch out for your growth, then come the tutors and friends who constantly nag you about your life but it’s your life innit? Well, heck no… You are the one with the life that others live and that’s what this blasted year taught me.
Before you start a testimony, the bad news has to come first so here goes my low points. I made utterly stupid decisions spoon-feeding my spirituality with my mundane nature and ending up with the death of identity. I lost my face with God and in turn life became drab, everything became fruitless. I should have known that I was wrestling with my Creator but instead I chose to be perfectly oblivious to that fact. Silly little naive girl!!!
The departure of almost all my friends for Masters left me insecure and empty, the ones around obviously had their ‘thing’; I was left without a job, a life, no friends and an obsessed parent. So I got depressed a lot, spoke to God about it and got depressed some more. As if that wasn’t enough my spirituality just nose dived, a complete downward spiral after March (and that was after a 40-day prayer and fasting can you imagine?) As you can see, I take the understanding and worship of God seriously.
The icing on the cake came when I found out I had been nursing an attraction to people of my sex, resurrected because of my deep loathing for men at the time… woah! You would say, yeah, it sucks a lot. That was the peak! I stopped going to church because I felt internally ostracised and I had asked different people what happened to ‘those’ like me – you can’t begin to imagine the comments I got, and worse still I knew about God’s absolute ‘No’ on that subject. So what the hell? I was screwed.
Unyielding as I was I lost me my sexuality for want of something deeper that I couldn’t find, a devastating evidence of the thoughts I had fed into my soul. Then came the deception… friends! They were the major determinant of my complete 360 into nothingness. I lost my faith and trust in them. I began to work so hard to cut off the ones that were proving difficult to shake off, I picked up quarrels, had unnecessary misinterpretations and threw cowardly accusations. I just had to rid myself of these friendly demons because I had come across some that didn’t match my standard.
After my agonizing defeat with everything I spiralled into the darkness.
The restoration? Writing and twitter saved me. Yes twitter!
The friends I thought I had lost, I found on twitter; people I never expected to change my life did especially a particular young lady that helped me a lot – @oLuShae (she’s a dream).
I found God again by writing of my defeat and conflicts to Him. Gosh, how my writing saved me… I came alive again. I was redeemed and yes it’s a daily fight being attracted to people of your sex but I fight the fight and like Apostle Paul said ‘I put my body under subjection lest after I’ve preached to others, I myself become a castaway’
2011 has mocked me and taught me lessons that my life was not mine to keep but for others to see as a shining example; I played the script perfectly and it is time for the Director to cut soon and call it a wrap… there’s no end to the tales but there is a point where the ending begins to seem imminent.
(phone rings…looks at it with thrill) Yaay!!! My boo… gotta sign out now guys; Efe said ‘no romance’ remember?
***hurriedly curtsies as curtain falls*** (Oh, hi darling…)
Watch this space for Aidee tomorrow 🙂