Day 16: Vanity

For a whole week I’ve given Efe the run around because honestly I don’t want to talk about my year. It’s been hard. I read your posts and the task of putting my business out there like that with a twitter handle that is so well known is not something I’m brave enough to do so I shall hide in the comfortable glove of my blogger identity.

January:
Woke up with hopes, dreams and expectations
unrivaled
Till the realization that a new year doesn’t mean a new life
hit me
Fireworks are just bright lights
In the sky
Not my life
My life is still dark
Fuck me

February:
Month of love
Month of the day I was birthed
Month of bullshit
I wonder
if I had been born in March would my life be so much different?
Better?
I wonder
If I had not been born at all
I don’t wonder
My life would be better
. . .If I didn’t exist

March:
Hope
No not for me
For the earth
I gave up the burden of hope years ago
That shit was at least 20 pounds
Weighing me down
But, the earth
Springing forth flowers in spring
Fruiting trees and greening grass
Smells like hope
Looks like delusion
I got plenty of time to smell the roses
While living for one week in the park
Spring break and homeless
But the flowers did look nice

April:
Beautiful April
With the thick thighs and expert lips
Warm spring days,
My tongue in April’s warmth
Cold spring nights,
my boyfriend in me, cold
Falling into the rhythm of a relationship
Steady
Not happy
But steady

May:
Soft licks of the impending summer sun
Hard ass fuckings of finals
Happy
To be going home
To my family
The joy of knowing you’ll have food and shelter everyday for three months
That there are people who will love you
Call you their own
Even in torn clothes and matted hair
Sadness
Ending my steady relationship
Not happy but steady

June:
Still alive
Sadly
Making declarations
Sadly
Now celibate and natural
Happily
Reveling in the amazingness of doing nothing

July:
I met a guy
Who brings tears to my eyes
Happiness to my life
Lighting up my sky because he’s fireworks
With his soft words and caring heart
. . .Who lives in a different country
Fell in love . . .
I fell in love

August:
The joys of Joy
I watched him find his joy
It was like a dream
And it wasn’t even my wedding
Seeing a cousin you grew up with
Get married
Find his joy
Truly joyful
Like the beginning of new joy
Or maybe the end of Joy and freedom
Love is masochism

September:
New school year
New friends
New confidence
Same financial problems
Same insecurities
Same bullshit deceiving others that I’m confident

October:
Forgiveness
Feels good
Freeing
I freed my monster
I forgave my father
Its been six years since he borrowed my innocence
I stole it right back
I forgave him
For the first time in six years I spoke to him without having a nightmare
I forgave me

November:
Thankful
Why you ask?
Because I’m supposed to be.
Because America says to be thankful
Thankful
Because after 3 months of planning, my love couldn’t make it
Thankful
Because America denied him a visa
Thankful
Because my mum called me crying that my dad is still populating the earth with women my age
Thankful
Because the only reasons my siblings are staying afloat is because I’m drowning myself in loans
Thankful
For a mother who won’t leave a dead beat father after almost 22 years
Thankful
That the distance is working its spectacular magic on my love
Thankful
That I’m stressing so much about everything, my grades suffer
Very fucking thankful America
Happy fucking thanksgiving

December:
In 15 days I shall go to sleep on December 31st
Wake up on January 1st hopeful
Wake up with hopes, dreams and expectations
unrivaled
Till the realization that a new year doesn’t mean a new life
hits me
Fireworks are just bright lights
In the sky
Not my life
My life will still be dark
Fuck me

-Vanity

=================

*No words here*

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30 thoughts on “Day 16: Vanity

  1. edgothboy says:

    I know that brutal honesty anywhere. This one I have related to the most. No idea why.

    • awizii says:

      Same here. Truth that jumps right out of the page and straight into your face. Very honestly written and I can almost say I see through it, maybe because I identify with it somewhat.

  2. Nimi says:

    *No words*

  3. lade says:

    three words: deep and touching

  4. This made me cry. I’m not sure why.

  5. aramaanda says:

    *no words here*

  6. Annie says:

    @Vanity: *hugs*

  7. PreyingMantis says:

    A twitter handle that is so well know? I definitely live under a rock.

    Day 16: “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” – Matthew 11:28.

  8. PreyingMantis says:

    A twitter handle that is so well known? I definitely live under a rock.

    Day 16: “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” – Matthew 11:28.

    • Vanity says:

      Well, atleast known by 2000 people so idk but thanks for the passage. It would be nice & all if I didn’t think the bible was fallacy. Still appreciated

      • PreyingMantis says:

        At least 2000? Impressive. You should publish a book.

        Assuming I agree with you about the bible, is there anything that isn’t a lie? Love, happiness, etc, aren’t they all illusions?

        “Love yourself a little more” – PM. This is my quote not the bible’s. It shouldn’t be a pity party. Have a sunny 2012.

      • Vanity says:

        You can’t compare the Bible to emotions. The Bible is a storybook can’t be compared to feelings. The bible makes people feel things. And is Happiness is a lie then surely sadness is too no? No offense to anyone who believes.

        And trust me I’m the last person to throw a pity party, trust me

  9. This is me, giving Vanity a hug and hoping that her 2012 will be a lot better.

    This is the 3rd time I’m reading this.

  10. Mz_Shadee says:

    Gosh, I’m suddenly cold….and teary eyed.
    Its DEFINITELY going to be a better 2012!

  11. awizii says:

    IT WILL DEFINITELY A BETTER 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has to…It just has to.

  12. NateOblivion says:

    I related to this one most. It’s actually heart-felt and unpretentious. Biting truth. No words here.

  13. @Hug_Hater says:

    I don’t hug, but here’s a hug for whoever Vanity is…({})

  14. Chicasa says:

    Downright truthful.
    I can guess who this is and if I’m right, then I saw through the veneer alright.
    God bless you, even if you don’t believe he exists. I wish the coming year will kiss and rub you right.

  15. Wow!
    You read sm’n lyk this an all u can say is “Wow!”
    “Wow!” This is all you are allowed, Wow!

  16. ThinkTank! says:

    Vanity.

    Nice to see you write again.

    Fireworks are just bright lights
    In the sky,
    Not your life unless you let them be
    Your life will only be as dark as you let it
    Fuck life, just be happy
    Decide to be.
    There’s no other way to live.

    • Vanity says:

      Isn’t that some easy bullshit to say “Decide to be happy” because I’ve been sitting around deciding to be sad.

      • ThinkTank! says:

        Its not easy. I’ve been in some terribly shitty situations. I’m talking life and death level things that make you want to lie down and die.

        Its natural to be unhappy when shit comes your way.
        But its better to always force yourself to see the good and try to be happy in my experience. Its difficult but it has to be done. This isnt easy to explain. Perhaps I oversimplified it. Perhaps we should skype again.

  17. Nugwa says:

    I’ve always maintained that the decision to be happy has nothing to do with God… you can decide to be happy and you will be happy… I believe in God and in the efficacy of the bible… but even “christians” remain unhappy. Choose to be happy. Even the bible says to do so. Happiness is a choice. Vanity. Just smile and be happy. HAPPY 2012 in advance…

  18. tobicomm says:

    I really wish u a better 2012. And I wish u wud be more optimistic about the coming year, cos ur story ended on a pessimistic note. I also get the impression that u dont believe in God judging from your response to PMs comment-though I might be wrong. I really wish that isnt the case cos we have only one life to live to just sit back and accept what life dishes out to us.

    While I’m not trying to preach or anything, and I’m not perfect in my relationsip with God, I do know that the surest way to get the best out of this life is to believe and surrender all to Him. I say this not because a pastor somewhere has rammed this down my throat, but because there have been too many instances in my own life where all i can say is Its just God. The situations I’ve been in, and how they ended up in my favour defies logical explanation, so I say this with all conviction.

    i wish U’d give Him a chance though it might be hard, and see what He can do.

  19. PreyingMantis says:

    Morning Vanity, I just woke up.

    Do you have an email addy? The constraints of the comment section makes this difficult.

  20. @Sisi_Yemmie says:

    I hope you have a better 2012!

  21. Isysart says:

    Dark, gloomy and painfully honest, no one can truly understand it but you who has to feel it…

  22. 'loba says:

    loool, interesting the way people be coming on here trying to preach though, this is my exact feeling for 2011 minus the really personal stuff, which i have of mine, just almost as shitty…oh well, we will continue to live till we die right.

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