Will the REAL ‘Dania (@Ms_Dania) please stand up?
“You’re not alone anymore. You’re not alone.“
Not because I now have people. The people are great. SoulSister with her big eyes and warm quirkiness. Jolaa with her bubbly madness that draws everyone to her. Emem with her trust. Evi. The people I met on blogsville: Victor, Blue, ‘Jibs, Efe, Kelvin, AfroMan, Sawyerr, Toxic (oh boy, those abs…), Dayo, Tools, Wole, Cece (at last a woman!) and Dee; with the sense of belonging they bring.
The people are great.
And even though they were a huge part of my year, 2011 was not the year of the people.
Which is why I spent the 8th of June alone. Not lonely, just alone. As I really wanted to be.
The Year of Discovery.
The year I realised it was okay not to be perfect. I got comfortable in my skin. I finally accepted that it was okay to not be accepted. To not blend in.
That it was okay to say no and not be diplomatic about it. Just no.
The year I embraced who I was. Who I am. The year I looked in the mirror and truly saw the person staring back. The self conscious people pleaser. I didn’t like her but I didn’t look away this time, no. I didn’t run, didn’t fight. I held her gaze and said, “Hey there, it’s nice to finally meet you. I see you. I finally see you. Now let’s get to fixing you, shall we?“
The year I came to terms with things/feelings/hurts that I’d ignored for so long, I didn’t even know their fruit existed. I had to say “fuck you Peter for choosing her and making me feel like I’m never good enough. For making me run whenever I meet someone who’s hot because there’s no way in hell he’s sincere. He’s too hot; he can’t be genuinely interested in me. There’s always someone hotter and he’s going to chose them eventually. Fuck you for making me always settle for the ones whom I felt I could control my feelings for because God forbid I could ever be vulnerable again.”
Fuck you because I am good.
And I am now.
The Year of the Lord (:D)
The year I said, “You know what God? I’m done struggling; do what You will, with all that is me.” And then Bayelsa happened and I’m like, “say what now?!” And even though the power sucks and the network is shitty and it’s boring as hell and camp was the worst three weeks of my life, I can honestly say that the things I’ve learned here in last six months are priceless. And if I could go back and change things, I’d do it again. Plus camp. Because the camp experience alone landed me my gig with Daily Times. (Well what do you know?! All things work together for good…can I get a halleluyah somebody?!)
The Year of Definition.
Ada. Adannia. Dania.
Definition that doesn’t come from things or people. Definition that comes from nothing external but from everything within.
I changed the voices in my head. They like me now. They tell me that I’m good enough. They tell me that even though I’m alone, I’m not alone.
That’s who I am now. Who I want to be. And most importantly of all, I know it.
And with this knowing comes peace. Not delusions of perfection, just peace. I’m still a work in progress and will be till the day I die. The difference now is that I’m okay with it.
My novel comes out next year. I’m not done with it yet; I have the end and the beginning so I’m filling it in now. But the title has finally come to me. I’ve allowed myself get excited about it. I’m excited about it because it’s going to be great.
I’m going to be great.
I am great.
To 2011 for all it brought and to 2012 for all it’ll bring: the grit, the grime, the gifts, the smiles…
Cheers ‘Dania. We are already toasting your success. Raiharnah has graciously accepted to hold sway here tomorrow. You know what to expect. Or do you? See you 😀