Wild Joyride

So yeah. I was off for a ride in the woods around Ngwanu town. I felt tall and powerful as I rode past passers-by in awe of my impressive 21-speed mountain bike. I passed a young boy in the opposite direction on his baby tricycle and smiled down on him. Young man, look at me. This is who you wanna be when you grow up. I beamed inwardly with pride until it occurred to me that the people driving by in their jeeps might be thinking the same about me on my bike. My brows creased at the thought and I made for the edge of the woods, away from cars, away from people, away from the madness that was wrongly called civilization. I needed the challenge, the break from the monotony of the office.

The ride into the woods was bumpy and uphill at some places. On my low gears, this wasn’t a problem as my well-toned thighs performed the relay of injecting energy to the wheels of the bike. Besides, it meant I would do all the hard work while I was still strong and coast downhill on the way back when I would be considerably more fatigued. I wandered around in the forest till the sun began to drop below the treeline. I was still enjoying my ride but I had to stop and turn around soon. Just a few more minutes, I thought and kept pushing on as I took in the sights and smells of the twilight jungle. If only I had not taken that awful, terrible decision!

Suddenly, I saw him in the distance, with two abnormally long teeth curling out from his mouth like the mustache of a 16th century philosopher. My bike came to a halt as my nervous system shut down in shock. He sized me up in rage and wild incomprehension at my insolence while I stared at him through my visors. He was the last thing I expected to see out here. A wild boar! I had heard a lot about this epitome of brutality. Apparently this was the mating season and I had ventured into his breeding territory. No doubt I had surprised him by coming too close to his nest of piglets somew…..

Skkkkwwwwweeeeerrrrrrr!!!!! My thoughts were rapidly interrupted by the guttural squeal of the wild boar. My senses returned to me fast and I spun my bike round and remounted while Tobore charged at me from about 100m off. Yes, my brain had switched to survival mode. I had named my enemy or aggressor to better cope with this struggle, and I had calculated that by the time Tobore had covered the distance between us, I would be cycling at top speed. I had a fighting or rather a fleeing chance. Or else, I would have just knelt down promptly and begged Tobore for leniency. But I fled, with as much cycling revolutions per minute as my legs could generate.

The trees began to rush by and everything came into instant focus. I saw everything! The tree trunk in the distance across the path. The monkey buying akara nearby (actually, plucking some leaves). The low hanging branches I had dodged on my way up into the forest. My thought processes became amazingly lucid. I could not make a mistake and live to tell the tale. Tobore would use my destiny to make the hog equivalent of pounded yam and efo riro soup. I shook my head at myself inwardly. Was I still telling these dry twitter jokes in the hour preceding my standing before the Almighty in judgment? Judgment tho……

Brrraaaaahhheeeeewwww!!!! My thoughts were again focused on Tobore who had apparently just bumped my back tyre with such force I wondered how much faster he could run. What if he ran alongside me and snipped off a piece of my calf with his razor sharp tusk? I guess Tobore was not used to hunting animals with round legs. He prolly thought…..

Pfftttttttttt!!!!!!! My back tyre let out all the air in it in one sad, disheartening endless sigh. Tobore had done it. He had deflated my back tyre with his tusky teeth. Was I not finished? While I was distracted calculating my chances of outrunning Tobore on foot, there appeared this demonic tree root ahead which snaked across the path. I could not react fast enough to do my signature all-tyres-clear BMX bandit bicycle jump. That trump card had been defeated now. This tree root would deliver the crushing blow to halt my bike after the mortal blow dealt by Tobore’s tusks. The first tyre passed over without much vibration due to my front shock absorbers. The back tyre though, was a different story entirely. I had forgotten to stand up while going over the bump because I was trying to avoid my head being caught up in the low-hanging branches, just like Absalom of Biblical fame. All I felt was a burst of flame and lightning rush up my spine directly to my brain from my assaulted balls on the bike seat. I saw a vision of the thirteen zodiac constellations in one brief, poignant sweeping view. No wonder when Ekaette did things down there I lost….

I tumbled forward and was flat on my back with my mountain bike flying over my head, removing the last line of defense between me and Tobore. Surely he would go for my neck now. Animals did these things by instinct. They always went for the kidneys, the neck, the balls, the knee-caps, parts of the body that would injure you so badly you would wish you had never survived the attack. IF you survived the attack.

But Tobore was not on my neck yet. He was rolling in the bushes, evidently squealing from pain. I sat up trembling from the adrenaline surge and looked behind me to see Tobore being harassed by another territorial wild boar! Michael he was called, my saving angel. This fight was looking one-sided. Tobore’s guts were being tossed all over the place. I involuntarily put myself in his shoes and shuddered as I stood shakily to my feet. I could have sworn I saw Michael give me the side eye. I got the message. I ran far from the crime scene as fast as humanly possible. The Athletics Federation of Nigeria would have been so proud.


30 thoughts on “Wild Joyride

  1. Loool!

    But awww. Poor Tobore 😦

  2. I’m first!!

    ┐(‘⌣’┐) (┌’⌣’)┌ ƪ(˘⌣˘)┐ ┌(˘.˘)ʃ

    *wears cool shades*

    Sweggz out (‾⌣‾)♉

  3. thatifygirl says:

    Loooolllll!!!!! I don’t get. Na dream??? Lmao!!!!!!!!! *rolling*

  4. malota says:

    Lmaooo Efe you are crazy..I enjoyed reading it

  5. iamsamsie says:

    This is lovely ..oh my..did tobore bully u in primary school :p ?

  6. Dea says:

    Lol…interesting read

  7. isetfiretotherain says:

    what a welcome back! ekaette tho? see what I said? lovely story telling.

  8. Nate Oblivion says:

    LMAO!!! This was actually fun to read. And the jokes in there? Nice. I just wonder who poor Tobore is that got a boar named after him.

  9. Betty says:

    I really enjoyed this. Still smiling.

  10. LOLOL!! U are high. The part where Michael gave u a side eye. Smh.

  11. goutprince says:

    Fun stuff. Deserved time out from the blood, gore and misery of other blogs. Thank you HL

  12. Ekwe says:

    hahahahahahaha. lovely. I needed the laugh. this ya blog theme looks like something from the garden of eden.

  13. General Hannibal Of Carthage says:

    Hilarious, nice allegorical short story. Nice usage of antithesis: “Young man, look at me. This is who you wanna be when you grow up………. that the people driving by in their jeeps might be thinking the same about me on my bike.”.Funny exclamations or onomatopoeia. Obviously in first person singular which is ubiquitous……

  14. georgeenah says:

    Oh Efe! LoL!!! This was a very good one sweets.Ekaette of ur wet dreams abi? :p

  15. joan186 says:

    LOOL such fun read. You must have been looking for something in that forest. there is more to this than meets the eye :p But Ekaette tho -___________________-

  16. Kemmiiii says:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!!! Why dint I read This earlier! this was so much fun to read. I was still waiting for Tobore to tear off your leg or something.
    Was Tobore your senior in high school?? And he got beat up by senior Michael in the process of bullying you? ehn??

  17. The 13th AlChemist says:

    This is somewhat funny though. The big boar gets the small boar and save you from certain death. Interesting view on the nature of life ometimes. Something about ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’ comes to mind.

    Not sure I liked the use of ‘prolly’ instead of probably but fits with the tone of the story. Funny, interesting read. 🙂

  18. kassalli says:

    Lovely, just lovely

  19. specialeffectz says:

    Lol…. Hilarious story! Still smiling.

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